CHAching???

Nowhere but UP..from here, my dear. Believe in the possibilities of an undecipherable great beyond. Into it I roam freely with an active urge for knowledge and confusion and comfort. “I may be reckless. May be a fool. I get excited when I get confused….” Truly.

Newly found peace in once chaotic and unnerving situations is a joyous alteration. The key? Unsure. Does a one-time stint with yoga reveal longer-term effects? These pieces are epic. Oh, sweet fragmentation. The credit should likely be spread like jam on rye….you are something of inspirational sorts. Tangible encounters are sparse, but in a way it makes complete sense. Adrenaline and endorphins fuel the trip. WHAT a trip. AND guess what? I am loving it. Hell YES. Suffer well? If you say so.

Desperate attempts of sleep fail me. Inspiration reveals itself in the form of THIS and that. Mostly this. Naps are a damned sword of double edged capabilities. Me familia es dedicado? Sounds legit…like a fox.

Scary. I am uncertain of the derivative or circumfrance. A + B –C = blah, blah, BOOM. Hunger, so many hungers. Thank you BUST and other likely influences. I shall read you cover to cover. AND also you. Don’t be frightened, I am fair and lovely. Time to invest in relaxation techniques and devices. Broken.

Ending. Now, now and never. xoxo

Now. Not later.

Taken over by the fear. Sad, but true. The source isn’t entirely evident, though not tough to hazard a few obvious guesses. Jaded, damaged, and scrambling for unknown and unsupported opportunities. Warning. Warning. WARNing. “I’ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless, cause everyone knows that’s how you get famous.” I could be…right? Wrong? I know not of your intentions or my own…who needs them? Who wants them? Maybe they be noble (HAAAA) and true. At minimum true. Lies. SO tired. Hate dreaming of answers that don’t rely on socialization, flirtation, or experimentation. Shall take up practices of meditation to assist in quelling of brain explosions. Funny how you used that time to have me….replaced? Not possible. Your ego rubbed off and bumped me closer to the accurate locale. Fantastical am I. Fuck these pending neurosis. 7 things. Just seven. Get it? Me hopes not. Hood rats….certainly not you. CRUSHes. Ah, I feel like a girl of 14….with more or less specifications. Still looking for the endless pool of light on the other side. Explanations and explorations abound. Starting….

Post THIS

Think, think, think. In my thoughts….my mind….body…soul. Wishes for otherwise remain unanswered. It’s all in the process. Why…oh why? The rejection and inability is evident. This is a new experience of pain, the kind that leaves one cold and oh-so less trusting. Cynicism and more glorious desires run at a seemingly all-time high.

Foolish, so incredibly foolish. That’s me. That’s you. That WAS us. I don’t care if you all think you know what you know. This is the process. I never said I was glamorous or NOT crazy. I only hope the lesson sticks. The pleasure is in the pain? Perhaps one can’t exist without another. Perhaps I am confounded and forever naive about the harsh reality you spoke of over and over AND over. After all, you did convey your beliefs, your fears, your dreams. I love you for that….the faltered attempts…the jokes and laughs and croissants. So much so that I know I stand not alone. You are next to me, forever and never. Fuego!

Trust me, it was the hardest part….letting go, not taking part. No one really wins this time. Strange is the start, necessary is the change. Ink the score. Color this strand. Polish this coffin. Murder this death. Simply stunning. Not so wonderful was the latest viewed performance. Range appreciated, religiosity not. I’m sure your criticisms would be much the same, even if you never share.

This isn’t a type of tunnel vision, it is the moment. My moment. Take it, leave it. My drug of choice. My hand of expressive glory. My hood of hiding. Your investment in time. I speak of love and altered, blurred perceptions. Many thanks for bended ears and spoken words. You make my dreams come true. Believe it. Believe me. I love you.

Blast.

So this is it. I exist. I am alive and exist. Long before and with any luck, long after the collision of worlds. It was the best and the worst all wrapped together in a robe of inexplicable insanity. It was lovely but the thought now renders me vile and ill with all sorts of yuckiness. You would hardly recognize my direction. I EXIST. Truly, in-your-face, raw existence. I can be described without referral to appearance. The substance is substantial. Love might not be a completion, but I’m winning. No one is right. Certainly not me, least of all you. This is all bullshit. Proceed we must. Change…we must? History shall not be ignored, not by me. I detach. Believe it, my love. Never my love…whatever words I say. Plus much more self-respect. Thank you for the instruction.

Yes. Wonderful, tentative progress. Impossible to not count the chickens when they run so rampant in the yard. Hope. I do possess it. Alright, still. Sentence fragments capture it all with such clarity. If not for you, certainly for me. It’s too early to solidify this moment of joy. What is the secret? Ah, superstition yes. SO much superstition. It ain’t the way…hey, hey, HEY.

And that which limits itself to book and drawers? Necessary. So much that it instills fear and splendid excitement. In the mirror I’ve seen reflected true beauty. Deep down. This is it. The doors shall be flung open….cautiously and with passion and awe-inspiring connections. A new day is upon us. Let’s do this.

12.9.10

As a zombie I proceed down the path of monotony. It's not entirely unbearable, don't misunderstand. Strangely comforting and fresh...exciting. Seemingly difficult to avoid the cycle of anger, frustration, despair, joy, and again and again....again. Who knew a single color could evoke such rage? A feral strain of rage few might comprehend. It happens. Perceived perfection aside, you are horrible people without will, consciousness, or concern. Absent. Fuck you very much. I am alive. I know it. Did I mention this is the best revenge? I wouldn't say missing ___. How could one miss a pebble in their shoe? A sharp pebble that won't ever smooth out. Your status quo won't alter the reality that your condition is in.

Oh, and YOU?? You flatter me with an entirely new set of expectations, offers, opportunities. Amazment. Pure amazement and other things. Thank you. Even if the reality never coinsides with the possibilities, I'm inspired. I am....all I never knew I could be. Victory. Yes. So good. Hopeful. Incredibly hopeful. THIS is life.

Home. Comfort me you do. Companionship. Love. Thoughtfulness. New. Truly...what a difference a day makes.

If the doctor alters the day too radically, I will likely maim you. You and your damn stanky dog, too. Not the literal dog. You understand. Unfortuante decisions aside, I am fine. Thanks for asking. FABulous.

I am knowledge. I am power. I embody all you could never hope to be. And that.....? That's ok.

....Even if they weren't so great.

If this isn't warfare, I don't know what is. Attack, retreat, attack, remorse. Terrible, horrible, AWful. Sugar-coating is overrated. This is life. Real and utter grief. Not to fear, it makes complete sense. Through this bleeding, we are freed of the attachments that bind. That's the idea. I don't believe violence is the answer. This isn't the traditional conceptions conjured by V-day. Emotional. I get so emotional, baybey. I refuse, refuse....absolutely refuse to ascribe value. It is nothing more or less than it is. Right and wrong are absent. The undertaking is mostly classy with just a dash of unrestrained expression. There are no worthwhile answers, it's all chaos and bullshit. I'm not lying. Talking and consciousness are useless. Silence is golden...if only there was another way. Why must I be the path less traveled? The answer is evident, alarming...hysterical. If the contraption has a top, I am nearly there...and then nothing. The pot has boiled over, but is left with all the more water. The pot understands the bigger picture but for now lives in this moment. WHY would the canine be transferred? Are you insane? I'm nowhere close to being that much of a sadist.

Ah....the middle of nowhere.....my desired locale. WOW, he is one beautiful boy. I do love them. I blame the odles of curls. So many wonderful memories. I think I get it, though acknowledgment is tough. How can you release the possibility of connection? Real, raw connection. Que sera, sera. Just because the future isn't ours doesn't mean curiosity won't kill a few cats. I promise to try to be better. I wish I could fall into you like a pile of softness...only in another life. Someday. Sure. Someday might be never. Too bad, the potential gives me shivers. SO many shivers and yet there is always a lingering....something. He said you couldn't see the truth of perfection. Maybe. Too much I am....to most.

OH, simplicity. Where are you? I need you. I demand your presence. In all honesty, I can't live without a change. When I attest to craziness, I intend it as is. This isn't a conscious attempt. I couldn't tell you exactly how it unfolded. Hell....you're freaked? Try walking in my brain. And yet, I've been told I'm strong and level-headed. This makes me scared for the truth others harbor. My freak flag is full mast....what of you and yours?

This therapy is nothing like I've experienced quite before. I've never been musical but in this moment I wish I was. Not just vocals...which I know a bit of, but composition and compilations and layers and inspiration. I would write of subversion and challenges. Time to paint a lifescape.

The game is in the waiting. I have patience. You prefer rushing into the unknown. Fitting...and mostly fitting. Frankly, it is a bit unflattering. Thank you. The line is clear. To ME. Never, ever to you. TRUST. What of it? The definition is blurred and wrenching. You have naked pictures. She's definitely not me. Why keep them? Who are you? I know nothing of you and this deception. Typical. I should have known. The faith is melting, eroding, disappearing. This, I refuse. I must. This CAN't be it. The proximity is obscuring the possibilities. The oh-so-many joyous possibilities, I love them and the confusion they bring with a fiery passion. I likewise reject overarching associations with that which I once found to be untainted. Love I do the sisters of scissors and hues of reds, oranges, and magenta. I'm taking it back. All of it. YOU deserve NONE of it because YOU don't even see me or care to try. I drove you home. Fuck you very much. Again. Excuse yourself.

Don't get me wrong. I will wait. I will workout my mind, body, and soul. I will write and cook and learn of new and promising topics. I will get a little out of the lines. I will live. ANnnnDD.....I will love you. Missing you is the most of my worries. Being cut away from this place is the best, minus a few select eating locations and musical stages. Don't forget me DKB. I will never forget you. xoxo

Remember, remember the Fifth of November

OH, how I despise the incessant click clacking of the text beneath the sure-fired finger of doom. That's what this is, after all....death, dying, the end. My friend...the end. Not to worry. Your denial will soon fade into a realization of horror and drama and consumption of frozen goods. Also....a beginning. OF course. Never forget. I will conceal the memories in a book of smiles and usefulness, soon to be spread to you and yours.

Is this silence such sweet bitterness and sorrow? It's a game. It's a thrill. IT's my life. It's an attempt to preserve the loveliness that was once something to treasure.

People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people. Well put, V. Blacklisted. Again and again. I've told you, again and again. I AM that which you fear. This passion is enough to compel most to paranoia and uncertainty and anger. Remember this. Warned is what you are. And all the while, I desire so many more basic connections. Those which change the composition of the heart, the soul, the mind. Perhaps I am a double-edged sword. One of beauty and vulgarity. One of love and pain. One of strength and dramatics. AM I strong? Many have told me so, yes. I always thought strength meant not crying. I was wrong. The strength lies within the vulnerability. Alas, I AM on the path I seek. Dear, sweet, lovely realization. You save me.

Remains. I am all that...
AND....a bag of chips?

V. V. V......VVVVV.

Much love and good wishes.
xoxxo

Angel Hair with a Side of Neurosis

WHAT is it about _____ that makes us so stupid? Perhaps, not stupid. Perhaps....out-of-touch or some other less judgmental term. The time has passed. But clarity...oh yes, it is present and accounted for. Why must I go so low to get so high? I care not of the specifics. The truth is, I hugged myself while breaking down in the stream of letting you go....and all you could never be. And when I thought it couldn't be any better, I laughed....LAUGHED. Don't ask me why, I don't know why. Better is what I am. So very much better. The moment shall be forever dedicated to the growth I anticipate. Not victory, but certainly something great. I might just be awesome, like blackberry jam and a 35 mm.

WHY must my intensity be so very prevalent? WHY? The curse is my cure. Someday it will happen. It must. The truth will be revealed. To you? You? Potentially. Potentially I revel in the consciousness and insanity and passion and hope. The day will come when novelties are cast aside and life is seen for what it is....too short to dedicate energy to false promises and unthinkable futures. Fuck it. This is it. The worth is yet to be realized. ANTIcipation ensues.

xoxoxxxxx

Bend me, shape me....anyway you WANT[ed] me?

The way is shut. The strength to try is left in the dust of lack in drive, concern, care, blah, blah, blah. Rivers run dry. People change. I did. You did. We tried to make plans. We tried to change, ignore, forget what cannot be undone. Symptoms were there, they were ignored and forgotten as quickly as they were discovered. This must be the definition of sadness. It is sad to watch, sad the feel, worse to live. All the while, it was glorious and shattering. I don't remember it quite so awful. Then again, these memories are assaulting my understandings of kindness and love and R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I need an out but I am not drama....not someone else....not you. YOU, who puzzles in confusion and pretends to know how to think or act....or not.

BE DONE. Wishes, wishes......wishes? Reality? Nearly terrible.

A moment of peace. You destroyed it. YOU. I love you. Present. Now. Then. Ever and ever.

Watching Babies is troubling, yet broadening and conscious. YES, Johnny Jumper. If I could recall the joy, I would. Better times? Likely. Accurate. Sure.Where are the fathers? Questions. Strangely enough, I ask too many questions??? YEs? I dream of travels. I dream of Colbert. I dreamt of thEE perfect sleep. Now. Then. Always. Current aim.....
xoxo

The Glass Isn't Tainted.

I could really go for some lo mein...but from a different place and in a different park. Picnics. I will always love picnics. All I can do is recall the positives and try to keep the negatives in perspective. AND...your perspective? Unknown. Depressing. Confusing. Passive. Aggressive. OVERrated. This was never part of the package OR maybe I just misunderstood the contents. Yes, that's it. Still, I am a role model...I should teach classes. I'm classy and don't want NO scrubs. Truth.

The ball is in motion and there is so much more in store for me. I can feel it in my bones...Dead Man's Bones. Though I don't know the direction, I'm confident in the unforseen outcomes. Why? Because I am incredibly loved and LOVE you incredibly. I can feel and express and cry (YES, cry. Try it.) and accurately convey the insanity within. The requirements? Strength. Passion. Drive. Confidence. ETC ETC. Of these I have, of these I AM.

Is it wrong? Is it ok? Probably not. I am delusional and you....you are a weakness I shouldn't be considering. In fact, consideration of anything but basics is naive and incredibly stupid. Plain stupid. BUT understandable. OH, the humanity.

I deleted the stress and also the potential for trauma and time-wasting. It feels so good. SO good. Given more distance, you will be added to the list of once upon a times. Ah, the change of scenery and company is needed more than I know.....scratch that, I know. Seriously. Definitely. Please, please, please present the pillar I am to follow. The time....is now.

Of Snakes and Charms

Torture. Sweet and utter torture. This time it didn't come alone....oh no, but instead drug along flattery and excitement and joy. Isn't that much of what anyone needs? To feel wanted and desired and amazing? I could claim it as disrespect and betrayal, but the word selection isn't quite on. Even so, I care not to think of it because my face has been blue enough. Fuck you very much. I have the journey of discovery to keep me warm. The one you claim to be on, but are afraid to start. You know what I'm realizing? They were right. Your treatment was AND has been much less than it should have been. Despite my shortcomings, I might just be something extraordinary. Something full of challenge, love, and growth. Not for you, though. I promise. I KNOW, the round peg isn't intended for the square hole, but I am an optimist and will likely remain the same fool on the hill until the day I die. That's what I bring to the table that is life. And from you? I've been made to feel ashamed and apologetic. Never again with you. My problem? Inexperience. Naivety. Trusting that promises were meant to be kept. They aren't, are they? Life is far too unpredictable.

Cynic and lover. Perhaps the pain really is the gain. Take care of myself. Priority. For real. Accidental babies (d. rice). Stupidity. Love. Needed? A kind word. I'm a sucker for them. OR a plethora of things. Who knows what they want? Likely not me. These are the times of change. Ch-ch-CHANGES.

I am a goddess and a charmer of snakes. The taste of this freedom and exploration may just be my temporary salvation. Along you you and you and YOU. You who reattaches tires and you who would never get me or understand fully what I am or can be. I might just love everything. And Toni, I love you. I miss you and didn't even know you. The fight isn't over and I shall remember you all my life and throughout each of the pending battles. It could have been me or anyone. A crime of opportunity? Bullshit. It was femicide.

PArty....like it's 1999? Of course. These gatherings provided the calm before the storm. So it seems I make a beautiful Rosie....Betty...Lucy? HA. I never was talented with history either. Hard not to think of the next year for such festivities. I feel a girl scout/Wonder Woman/Ducky/Peter Pan combination would suite the intended purposes. I am the train you never saw coming, minus the getting run over. Back on TRACK, GUYS (accurate usage), you save me....again and again. You likely don't even know because your regards for me are up, up and away. Some of you might see me or engage in a round of billiards or comfort my existence with little bits of song, dance, and laughs. Like, I said....I love everything and you all are certainly no exception. The best place for guys? JJC, hands down. HAHA...yeah, there might be something in the water. xoxo

The most I can hope for is to engage you and inspire you and convey my affinity of the arts and humanity and you in it. I do this for me but also for you. It is a part of the contribution. And if I fail? Then it is a process and a tool for remembering me if I perish or go another direction. For now, let me say I love you.....

...

Thoughts of 10.25.10

I find it nearly impossible to fathom or recreate the actions which provided the platform on which red flags were ignored and rationality was cast aside. While there are far too many breakdowns and breakups (minus one) as of late, I am learning and growing and still, cursing myself all the while. It was the best {correction: far from it} AND the worst. Maybe it needed to happen. Trauma always did compel me like no other. A taste of recklessness and spontaneity energizes my heart and soul, though the body likely won't follow suite. I am change. I am love. I am wonder. I am stupid. BUT....BUT, who isn't? I am a seeker and problem solver and maniac...for your love.

If anything, I hope to avoid the tentative sickness....though there is no better way to familiarize myself with market offerings. Ladies, I'm taking one for the team. UPDATE: I didn't even get sick. Lame.

My diluted and misguided self-concept shall by my ultimate downfall. Trust me, I won't take it LYING down....you wish. That's the last (almost) action in which I wish to currently partake. Not to fret...I'm still me, you're still you. It may never happen, but my dreams can be wild and dangerous and forbidden....just like us. Yeah....us. Yikes. You all see me.....and I you, but you see what I cannot up until now. I AM what is reflected in your eyes and on your humbling platform. I mean this to all of you because there is so much love...the honest kind that warms your life and brightens your day. Thank you, thank you. I am redundant...and you....YOU are my salvation. These social bonds are the stuff of legend and lore, a seemingly reputable source told me so. This I know. Fold the book and lock away the hatred.

Holy shit. I can ramble and you can read and listen OR not. I am starting to see it for the strength it is. Quiet? Never. I am Alejandra and Chatty Cathy and Punky Brewster and Drew Barrymore and a conglomeration of filthy gorgeous. Take me or leave me, but FYI....I will love you until my dying day. Ha, scared yet? Don't be. I'm the real deal.

Wen

What was once unclear is now becoming clear...at least, ever so slightly. Despite feelings of being overworked and underpaid, an end and a beginning are near. A newly discovered goal alleviates otherwise tensing situations that have potential for rage and jealously and hurt....though NOT quite. Why? There was too little enhancement (I'm told the key to success) and far too much resentment and contempt...sure, there were plenty of horses. No matter what happens within the confines of pending experiences, there is no regret...only growth and feelings of desire and appreciation. The truth is, I am lucky to have you as a friend.

Boring, boring...yes, seems that is what I've become. So much for being good on paper. SEX. Attention sufficently captured?

AH, I wish to have been born with red hair....wonderful, amazing red. Suppose I wasn't intended for such things. Strange to think of it being grounds for punishment and discrimination. Related, I am a walking cliche, hypocrite, and moron for thinking otherwise. Purple. I want to run and stretch and push my body to it's limits. Busting free of these self-imposed constraints is a common thought. Progress? I feel so....yes. Also, dancing is necessary...to showcase the baffoon that I am. Not a confidence concern, more a reality...and I'm pumped about it. I want to dance with YOU. Who knew! [NO sic] Put on your red shoes and dance my blues.

Turns out, I AM a bit dark, too. ARE YOU DARK ENOUGH TO SEE MY light? Many thanks to Senor Rice...you sick, Scottish bastard. <3 I am a dark and twisted tunnel....of love. HAha...twisted...twisted....always.

NO, I haven't forgotten about YOU. I realize now that I love you all the more and it's scary and frustrating and fantastic, of course. The thing is, you already know this. You love the snow and I'll be lovin' you forever. I also hate to say I'm in desperate need of a distraction from all that you are, were, and will be. Perhaps in the form of an intensely enviable hobby. Fuck dudes tonight, I wanna dance. OH, I did. And hit in 4 pool balls in a row. Ah, success. You'd be proud.

And to all of you lovely other people who help me power through my every day with eyes and hearts wide open...I love you more than you may ever know. For your kindness, care, and love...I can't thank you enough. You challenge and change me, you keep me whole. xoxo
YeS, that's right.....whole. Why? Because I , Alejandra, form a complete (even in fragmented) whole. Not a half. An entire and wonderfully disasterous whole. Damn, that feels great. Traditional conceptions of togetherness always leave me with more questions than answers. Fairy tales are lovely, but I have seen the reality time and again. Potentially a rotation would solve such issues. Potentially I'm all talk and know nothing of anything or everything.

Calm down, you say? If you know the way, please guide me and I shall follow. I wish for it and yet, wouldn't change a thing.....because my intensity and passion could launch ships and inspire change. In a life? A heart? The world? Certainly. I've been told I deserve a pedestal, but I promise you I don't even demand that. More on this later...though hopefully not much later. I'm frightened for the reults of a span without touch...FML. I just want to have a bit of good 'ole, safe fun. Freak? No. Human? Definitely. Suffer I must, stronger will I be.

I am, Am, AM the master of my fate, the captain of my soul. Time to set sail.

It's like a curse...that is the cure? Doubtful.

If I haven't collided with a wall yet, I'm about to. Decisions, decisions....SO many decisions. The roots aren't necessarily deep, but do demand consideration. Trying to balance the requirements of emotional vs rational thinking is transforming me into some brand of crazy. Newer interests and chance encounters blur the senses much more than I'd like to admit. It always seems to retract to a state of demanding concise answers to questions that aren't realistically plausible. Where's the challenge in that? Stop it, Alex. Stop it. I wish. Honestly. DOT DOT DOT. That's me. The sensical part of this whole shindig is a desire for, at least, the allusion of stability. Student loans in this state are a complete and total scam...or perhaps its just the tuition that regulates such needs. Ga Ga Ga....spoon.

HAHA, "sparkles like the ocean" [WhIsPeR...]...Ellen, you slay me. Related, today I wanted to buy a watch...but not for me. What envokes such chaos? Fuck, a watch....a WATCH. I don't expect you to comprehend what I'm trying to say. Is this a common reaction? So much for being independent and graceful. It pains me. Funny....I think I forgot what it means to really be bitter and angry and sad and what it feels like to cry while watching porn. Wait, that was a first. Yes, I know...I'm in denial. Is ignorance really bliss? I can only hope because such sentiments are far too sparse. Then again, I have no quams about letting my freak flag fly. I wish I could say passion and intimacy were overrated, but that would be horribly inaccurate. It's frustrating to contain passion outside of the activist arena. Oh sweet, sweet torture. I love you so. I hope to one day obtain Lily Allen levels of greatness. Just watch me. FUCK yes.

Peace. Love. Insanity. You love me, admit it.

CHANGE. Change. change. You're not waiting.

To see and feel what I do would in all likelihood be crazy and strange and riveting and terrible. I said it and I'll say it again....TERRIBLE. The stopper has been removed, which aids in explanations related to the continual expulsion of deranged sorts of desire and confusion in any and all directions. Always, always direction. Seriously strange, but also amusing and phenomenal. SOMETHING is happening. Something necessary...something great. And YES, you ARE part of the revolution. A catalyst? Perhaps. It also helps that I didn't actually have a cavity. I can't stop...really, truly, deeply {sans the madly}. SCRATCH that, I am mad...like Beatles style via I Want You (She's So Heavy). Written expression is my highly addictive drug of choice. Alas, it functions in much the same way...it temporarily solves potentially larger concerns and losses AND overwhelming, lovely gains. I desire BDs something fierce.

Pumped with endorphins from an unknown source, today acted as a type of salvation from a misunderstood me MO my. You think you're loving, but you don't love me? Accurate. Also accurate: repetition is bound to occur....bear with me lovers. The spinning wheel will keep on a' spinning....until rationalization collides with reality. The brain works in mysterious ways and your mystery is yet to be revealed. The tentatively awaited day is drawing near and near and near. One can only hope you see patience as a virtue and...me....me as something to see for what I am. Nonsensical and MAGICAL. Just like you.

Something of a disaster. LA LA LA

I had thought the intention was clear, but never...no never. Confusion is ruler of this life, and likely the next. Still, confusion remains a tight compadre of dellusioned misunderstandings and nothings at all. Only morons don't wear seatbelts....oh and disclose WAY to much. Justin, I just need somebody to love, too....let's start a club with the remaining members of Queen. HAha. Yeap..HA. The flow of Merlot is compacting the frustration of losing the cord to my tensed up core, soul, face...blah, blah, blah.

NO, I don't have ink, much in the same way you lost all respect for me way long before it all began. Sure, you've heard the same story hashed 200004 different ways....and I've seen the change and fucking comfort that springs. Your incompetence is unnerving. Your lack of concern or taste....incredible. Not in the good way. I promise you. Honestly and truly. Over and over. I am gone. You are gone. And did I mention...on the floor? Yeah, I saw you. I've seen you. Over and over. What else? Us. Welcome to the real world.

Oh...and YOU? Sure, I'm an idiot. Who isn't, though? In some way, it might be lucky and even lovely....in another light perhaps it's more of a purplish tint of disaster. FML. I can't change what I feel, though trust me...I've tried. I HAVE and then again some more. Rough....but wonderfully relavatory [REAL or not]. Typical. I'm no more a freak than anyone else in my situation. Sorta, but with more of an educated edge. Exactly. Done and done. Though not quite. I'm freakishly fragmented and generally misinformed.

And the bread...oh, the bread? There's nothing more I can say. Morning comes early, especially for me though likely not for you OR you. Rambling aside, thought has been given. Give me something...though not just anything. It's not you, it's me. Of course. Strangley enough, conveying [S] frustration and all that via some contorted idea of what I experience as reality was always a point of strength. You dig it? I dig you. Sleep well, my loves.

10.3.10...again and AGAIN

Rationalization of the insanity within proves futile. I want to tell you everything and nothing, all at once. For one who used to pocess such patience, I am strangely about the sooner than later. Alas, damage is undeniable but hidden. Where DO broken hearts go, Whitney? I desire unspeakable things in an....unspeakable time? Who gauges such things? I mourned the change, or lack therof, years before the reality...like writing a report before the due date. Maybe analogies aren't a strong suit, but perfection is overrated. My cerebelum is crawling with "what ifs" and "dammmnnn, boy." Hopefully the criptic nature disguises the fears and anxiety within. Feel free to ignore me...this and that.

of death and dying

The process of dying must present itself as an utterly strange and confusing time, while also shedding much clarity on what matters most. Experienced as a bystander it feels both sad and yet, all the while, encouraging. "Oh dear god" is all that can be conjured for most expressions of relevation, frustration, and confusion. Compassion and comfort are the key to salvation, but too much may spoil the show. The compassion IS lovely. I wish you could view it first-hand...one could only be so fortunate. Seems in some strangely bizarre way, I have felt it...as I lay sprawled speechless and stunned on the floor of my month. How frustrating to be removed of the chance and ability to convey thyself. All you know is left to the memories of yesteryear and all you care for is in the room.

It seems as though I've been here for ages, watching the unknown reality unwind itself. What do you think? What can you do? If I was on the bed, sure...my clothes would come off. Judgements hold no place in the heart of hearts and the statements of such are both null AND void. I wouldn't change a thing and even if unknowingly so, did step up to the plate of sorts. What I know is minute and while I certainly desire an expansion of knowledge....it shall be for another place in time. Thank you, Grandma...your peace and humor continues to floor my understandings of this life. I want to hold your hand. Yes, I do.

Writing is all that makes sense these days. I try to write an entrance into oblivion, while harvesting a more profound sense of self. Comprehension of where I was and where I am is unattainable, which never fails to compel all walks of insanity and perhaps....perhaps even desperation. Desperation to feel lovely and confident and agile and all-around some brand of wonderful-go-amazing. Is that so wrong? Not the "I think I love you" type of insanity, but more of the "make me feel good" strain. Please don't misunderstand me. The desperation isn't you...you are more incredible than maybe you know. Timing? Sure. Personal fiber? A++. All I know is, I'm fairly certain the approach is inefficient and even...wrong? Whatevs. What IS wrong? Who IS wrong? Shit, confidence boosters might have proved extremely useful from birth. Avoiding the tentative obsession is taxing, though necessary or worthwhile. I AM the music, THIS is my music...too much it should be for you.

All that jazz aside, hunger is eminent. Oh yes, but how much weight you've lost. In another locale, that might be an insult. Then again, I'm the insult to your ego, your understandings, your perceived knowledge...and I, YES I, am intellectually lazy. Change? Heck NO. Don't you see I love the challenge of your status-quo? And that makes me...? Honestly a bit of an arse, but a compassionate arse with outrageous and eccentric style. Something to question, something to misunderstand, something to babble. I am, I Am, I AM Alejandra. The Great. And you? Yeah, I'm listening.

A Beginning...of Sorts

Rust is forming on the facade that used to be an answer to the fear of not knowing....and disallusioned comfort. What once came easily is now a struggle of obsession, confusion, and all the other types of seemingly negatory sentiments. Strange that I can't connect the dots and when I do, do so with such niave wishes and awkward demands. For really, the only honest cares come from within....or at least they should. Confidence acts as a fresh, long-lost compadre...but one that waivers so easily. I could say it was for stupidity that the status quo drifted into the everyday normalicy of existence. Being an exposed outcast in a smattering of closed faces breaks the shards of all that remains. Sad? Sure. Unexpected? Never. Searching for simple answers is as unrealistic as riding a bike attached to a black lab. Do people actually revel in misery? Perhaps. Sometimes its the only thing that doesn't change.

Having the courage to pose in contorted positions of nudity was concise and without concern. Lovely, lovely change. I AM beautiful. Yes, me. Yes, you. Yes, pencils and acrylics. I hope to appear with a tinge of blue, green, and warmth. I hope you smile and love me all the same. The truth is, I love you. I love each and evey one of you....I've seen what matters, even if it's not always attainable. I am a nymph. If you have the strength, find the key.

Claude is changing my life, one carrot at a time. His fearful nature makes questioning my tenderness and compassion plausible. Beatrize wimpers and wags as the window breaks and malfunctions terribly. Perhaps I am broken and malfunction terribly.

Oh stop. Really...just stop. Crazy. Please appreciate the better side that doesn't require a microscope and glass of something or other. Oh and you...I DANCED with you. I smiled with you. Thank you. Really, thank you. Bananas COULD be unleashed upon you, but that would be horrible and scary and lovely and probably, amazing. YES, amazing.

Effective lotion for countering the condition that is cracked, alligator skin is much desired. Recommendations appreicated. Also...a cure for Bieber fever. That's right. I SAID it.

Ah, the goodness that is expression is present and the unpleasantness of longing has been released. This is potentially non-sensical, but guess what? This isn't for you and you alone....it's for me. The priority? Me. Me not exploding in all directions at once. And maybe a bit for you. Who are you? Who am I? Remember, I danced with you. Don't dance on the heart of bitterness.

I shall rise again, in the form of a phoenix. Help me to help you. xoxo