Us and Stuff

It's true.

The beautiful stuff is all we ever knew.

There are moments and so,

it is they which help us to grow.

We'll talk and talk and feel and feel

Until we each believe it to be real.

Maybe you already know it

Because you never fail to show it.

The love.

The life.

The greatness that is

US.

Fear and Loving in CHI-cago

I lo-lo-love...
connecting with people that accept and value me not in spite of my flaws but because of them.
soulful lady jams.
real honest-to-goodness homemade jam and jelly.
those who ARE ready for all this jelly.
moments when I can feel the love I have for myself.
growing my brain [many thanks to TED talks].
remembering that hope is never ever really gone.


I fear...
being stuck under the weight of myself.
never knowing freedom.
lack of connection.
lack of passion.
lack of mobility.
not loving or accepting myself just as I am.
an avocado shortage.
forgetting laughter.

Negotiate this.

PRIMARY
NEGOTIATOR
(this is your dominant personality type)

 

SECONDARY
explorer
(you also show elements of this type

 

Builder 17%

Director 20%

Explorer 26%

Negotiator 37%

about your personality

You see the big picture. You easily take the broad, long view of almost any topic. You are comfortable juggling myriad facts. You tend to synthesize material easily and think in webs of factors, not straight lines. You are imaginative and enjoy ideas.
You are also socially savvy. You are good at both talking and listening. And you generally read people's faces, body postures and tone of voice accurately, so you often intuitively understand what people want and need.
You are also highly compassionate. You care deeply about others. So you are inclined to make personal sacrifices to be a supportive friend and colleague. And you are idealistic and altruistic; you like to work to improve the world.
And you have an adventurous side; you enjoy new ideas and novel experiences and you want to share these with an enthusiastic partner. But you are particularly fond of people who are direct, decisive, focused and tough-minded, people who complement your more flexible, agreeable and affable style.

relating to others

As a Negotiator, you seek a spiritual, life long connection to a "true love". But you don’t want someone who is emotionally dependent. You admire people who need a good deal of autonomy. Marriage is important to you; but the social pledge of matrimony is far less sacred than the personal commitment you privately make to your beloved. You strive for harmony in your primary relationship. So you express your love regularly - with hugs, thoughtful presents, romantic weekends or by creating other special times together.
And you want a mate who is daring, playful and adventurous, yet one who will balance you - someone who is calm, decisive, strong-willed, focused and supportive of your enthusiastic, caring and imaginative spirit.

love and relationships

You dislike conflict. You seek "win-win" solutions. You are good at sharing power and ideas. And you are a master at the art of intimacy - building deep and exciting relationships with others. Nevertheless, you often enjoy solitude or intense interactions with just one individual or a few close friends. And you particularly enjoy people who like to play with abstract theories and ideas, provide insights, search for symbolic meanings in life and relationships and have a broad interest in the world.

with negotiator as your primary type, you can be:
• Good at seeing the big picture	• Empathetic
• Imaginative	• Trusting
• Intuitive	• Introspective
• Skilled verbally

with explorer as your secondary type, you can be:
• Novelty Seeking	• Flexible
• Impulsive and spontaneous	• Open-Minded
• Curious	• Energetic
• Creative

Things negotiators need to be aware of:

1. Because you can see so many angles to an issue or decision, you can be indecisive.
2. Your need to please can make you placating and your trusting nature can make you gullible.
3. When you feel betrayed you can be unforgiving and hold a grudge too long.

Courtesy of Chemistry.com
 

The hope of free.

"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speed ball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld  you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self." -Liz Gilbert

I know this. This feeling. Ventured through it and around it and so damn near to it that it burned off more layers than intended. The recovery I so needed has, for all seemingly possible purposes, been avoided. Certain the next bend would reveal the promised revelations...to hardly no avail. 
And now I've come across the most beautiful peak one could hope to see in a lifetime....and where am I? There soaking it all in...? Some days, yes. Other days, I am barraged by thoughts of wandering back to view some of the already documented sights. Nay, they all cast me out. And I ran out. The terrain far too wicked for the progressively weakened spirit I claim as my own. Or perhaps it was recognition of future injury from knowledge of self-titled history books. And mistake me not, it is these many memories and knock-downs that aid me in appreciating all that lays before me. Were it not for the fear....the fear....the fear of everything that could mean something, may I only let it. 
Let go. Let go. Jump in.
My legs feel broken. I can still walk but it strains and pains and sometimes takes days and challenges all the many ways that I try to save what I hope I can save. This soul. My very ability. To be. 
In love with loving me. Engaging in solitude as I need be. While realizing I have all I shall and could ever hope to need. Already. Soon the beauty shall begin to flow free.
Soon, soon, soon. It will be.

Bones, Stays, and Outs

It shatters.

It shakes.

Oh how it quakes with heart-aches.

Sometimes it loves so very hard

…between the times it not be in tattered shards.

I do it to me as they did it to me.

I break myself all the more

…to prove that no one could ever love them more.

And who care takes for me…me…the one and the only ME?

Indeed, it can only be ME.

And now THIS time, when I look all I see is me.

Next to he…the fella person with whom I choose to be.

He is now.

He is ever the better than I could never have endeavored.

This reality is laughable for it not be so real.

So very everything I needed to not want.

But I want the very all of it.

The beauty of this gift, ayyy me!

Is this LOVE? Love, love, love, love…?

That I’m feelin’?

Cause I feel it all….feel it all…feel it all.

And I feel it in the bones of my being.

Perhaps I won’t be the one to break this own heart.

Because now, you see, I build me.

And here he be, building right along with me

I build me UP UP up…and away.

… where eagles fly on that mountain high.

I belong.

In the place that is this.

The place that is now.

Holy motha fuckin’ wow.

So “let’s do it,” she says.

“And then we can do THIS,” he says.

FINE.

Fine is he. Fine as the sweetest wine. All the time.

Fine is his heart.

For only could his harness the beast of mine.

This time….

I have given no out. Refused the possible outs.

Here I’ll stay.

Up until the very day

That he can’t and he won’t and he’ll refuse

…the recklessness of this soul.

And then on and on and on I’ll go.

Until then.

This time.

I stay.

Savage, I Am

How could I not have seen it?

Never dreamed I could yet again be IT.

You with me and me with you.

Never again had I imagined I would pursue.

Because if my history spoke of much…

It was that relationships packed a soul shattering punch.

I allowed myself to lose me and never did they choose to see….

How incredibly detrimental their actions and false words could be.

As I rose from the ashes time and again…

I found it was only I who would be my tried and true friend.

Partnerships never were they ever.

This heart and soul repeatedly did I allow them to sever.

And yet, here you are, beautifully real and raw…

Challenging all the hurt that my past ever saw.

Holding my hand as you discover how to hold my heart,

I wish it could have been YOU to love me from the very start.

But a lesson is a lesson no matter the damage…

And I refuse to believe myself some love-incapable savage.

Each day you teach the ways of faith and truly being together.

Contented am I here and now…maybe, just maybe...even for forever.