Timothy Dalton has Green EyesSSSSS

Ok, let me just start with this because when I searched "Timothy Dalton" I had no idea what I was in for:

"At a consistently lean 6' 2", green-eyed Timothy Dalton may very well be one of the last of the dying breed of swashbuckling, classically trained Shakespearean actors who have forged simultaneous successful careers in theater, television and film."

HOLLLYYYY damn...if I am ever anybody I hope I can be described something exactly like that.

Lalalallalallaaaaaaaaaaa. Let the show begin.

When I look at people I envy I realize….they don’t force it, it just IS. Thus, that must be my aim. They are happy and beautiful and my role models. Thank you for being you, even when everyone else told you otherwise. These developments don’t occur overnight. They can take years…even a lifetime. I am realizing what feels like a type of truth. Selling myself short I am by forcing that which doesn’t mesh. Why? Because regardless of how others might view me, I am worthwhile and amazing and noteworthy. I say this not to come off as self-obsessed but because once you say something enough you actually start to believe it. Though I am aware of my origins, I am, as of late, not keen on focusing on them entirely. Everyone has a past, I feel mostly concerned with the here and now. Perhaps that is why at times I come off as a bit impatient….because in all honesty, I could die this instant and I hate regret like nobody’s business. Writing cryptically certainly serves a function, but so does feeling understood. I recognize patience is a worthy virtue, but since silence isn’t a skill I have yet mastered I feel utterly compelled to voice my thoughts on one venture or another. That is why it messes me up to remain silent when emotions run high and why I am having trouble NOT saying how I feel. This entry isn’t typical. Oh no, it is more like a page from my personal inventory of thoughts. The thing is, I don’t have to consciously construct what I want to say….it just IS. This is what it is. Me as me.

P.S. I think I realized you might be too cool and hilarious for me. Then again, history shows I can roll with the best-ish of them. Game ON.
P.P.S. Time for Zombieland and tons of pixies. I am feening something fierce.

I am the Rebel that YEEELLLLLSSS

War. A topic to browse and hash out like corned beef at an egg party. While playing witness to a numbered war of royalties, the great internal war of yesteryear rages through infinite worm holes. 3, 2, 3…..2. Damn. So close. Challenge, change, blame. Hate to love this I do. Zen teaches of expectations null and void. Void these temptations in this place and that. Shoot the emotionally crippled messenger. Desires could be the end of this comfort and enjoyment. Fearful. Incredibly fearful of that which could freak you and break me. If belief in a deity was plausible, asking for guidance might seem appealing. Do I see conclusion in all this confusion? Nunca. It’s not sad, it’s life.

Vacating these premises leaves many questions and yet a few more answers. I’ve been thinking. Over thinking. Cease and desist, woman. Ah, but ask me not to morph into that which I am not. I am a thinker, a dreamer, a believer….a blessing in disguise. Priorities reveal themselves as necessary. Patience. Patience! Patience? What of it? Now, now needed. Pa-Pa-Power do I seek. P.S. Apologies for the incessant tickles. I am coping with my reality. What of you and yours?

Nails and production and folding of linens must commence shortly. Less time in dresses with tunes of oblivion and more elimination of tasks. Procrastination is a terrible, persistent infection. Curses. The value appears overly false and diluted. I Am worth the time and investment of time, damnit. I need you to love me always. ALWAYS. Not only when convenience presents itself. You know me. That’s what makes this all incredibly difficult and baring. Write it off I can’t. Perhaps the potential is left to the dust of those many ages past. The perceived attraction is clogging understandings of what is acceptable, right or just. Maybe you are a toxin I never saw coming. Reflect, discuss…change? I am not a babysitter. I demand and blatantly request nothing more than what I convey to you. Tea shall provide relief. Ah…yes.

A mindful existence? Learning, hoping….dreaming. I am mindful of the soap not cutting the grease and the readings not being that of reality. Oh, how the pigs do fly. We CAN do it and I will do whatever will be. I have all I need. Lovely, amazing peace-ish revelation. ISH. And then nothing at all. Ah, yes….TEEEAAA. In a Flash….AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
xoxo

Sugar, Spice, and all that was NICE

The destination unknown, the motivation…unclear. For now, the lost is in the leaving. Shards of shame…confusion….rejected before given a chance. Judge not harshly, for I would not subject you to such treatment. Ah, a blog….yes. It is a means for coping. The answer to tentative prayers, a deciphering of drama and drinks and dreams. I think you get it…just too fearful or unsure of the potential. Is this the confusion I seek? I am crushing on you like a smasher of aluminum. This must be a test….a mirage…something new and unimaginable.

A ghost am I. Fucking it up. I am fucking all this up. The security is false and bullshit. You all might think you know what I am or could be BUT how could you? I am to be left like apple cores and greasy plates. Call it dramatics, call it stupid. I am, Am, AM all of the above. Positive sentiments are sparse and my comprehension of you is a LIE….like pants on fire. YES, you. Perhaps the timing is rigid. Perhaps Coldplay has been written off once and again. I call it angst (too too much), you claim energy.

X. I am the X. EX. Ruin is a gift? I believe it….yes. Ruin is me in this place and time. Initial assumptions were correct….for who could love me like this….or even date me? Certainly not you. Ashame. I see you as brilliant. A brilliant mess of wonder. I am loving me. I am loving this. I’m nearly over the pity now. Titles are overrated and played out like tennis. Call it hangouts. I crave a connection, a comfort, a carefree and mindful existence. Channel Buddha and a bag of chips.

In the END, that's what I found out

Traces of color still grace the crevices of this pale pigmentation. I scheme. I dream. If my sky should fall, would you ever even call? Potentially…but then again no. Invisible accountability and unclear trust. What of ME, myself, and I? That’s all I got (thanks, B). NOW is the time for exploration of new territory….initiated. Desires for independent transcendence easily run astray, especially when presented with such tempting alternatives. Over analysis ensues, all the while keeping a grounded and fresh perspective. I am, IN FACT, no more strung out or crazed than you and anyone else in my position. Repent and judge. Tough critics emerge in the shape-shifting form that is eM. It requires more talent than you’d think necessary causing continual faulting. Who wouldn’t? I tried to quit you, but I’m too weak….?? Never. I am glory and love and momentum and not taking any bull or other animal’s shit. Coping never tasted so fruity and written word never inspired me so. Of here and there, near and far, she and him.

“What character does she remind you of?” she asked. “She marches to the beat of her own drum,” the other replied. AH, sure….but a beat few can comprehend or hope to vest interest. A solo of broken rythum, challenging lyrics, but an all-around feel good sound. I can only hope it inspires more and repels less. Ideas don’t bounce back very well from walls. Functioning seemed so much simplier when ignorant of the possibilities. Retract….retract. Peace shall I seek. I hope to see you there as a friend, confidant, or something entirely unforeseen. Dreamin’ again, like I’ve always been. I’ll be seeing you today, tomorrow, and/or never. STOP making sense and embrace pending confusion for what it is: exhilaratingly wonderful.

**I just read this to my Mom…I never share with anyone. I said “it probably doesn’t make sense.” She responded “sure it does.” “What do you think it means?” I asked. “It’s just nice to hear you read it” she said. I love you, Mom. Ignorance just might be bliss.

Give me credit?

The death of an entirely non-present situation unfolds into oblivion, just like the others but with slightly more disappointment. I need not look. I want not look. BUT, alas….I have looked. INCREDIBLE. You are incredible. Perhaps the time is now. Sleep and desist. Perhaps I misread the details and created what wasn’t on the script. Slight sadness. AND now because of such thoughts the psyche will certainly demolish the prospects. FUUUkukkk. I realize the last time I wasn’t looking, but now so much more promise exists….I want to rage and reconsider the value. “The best part? You already have everything you need.” Righty O. Promise me something. Remember how awesome you are, A. Your logic is inspiring. Nothing changes WHO I am. Honestly. Truly. Middle place. There is talk of me and this place. Undoubtedly positive, unchangeably uncertain. Forever red, rarely nets of fish……wishing, wishing…of impossible things. BRIGHT. Challenge the requirements. YES. Evolving shall I roam.