This morning the train was halted because someone jumped in front of it, I can't imagine being that driver or that person-such pain. In a rush, I drove an atypical path to work and have felt unnerved much since then. Trying to be better about not looking outward, but inward, to so many preexisting pains and triggers. No one can save me and I do not have an active awareness that is what I may have expected, but perhaps I did. Learning to heal these wounds is so rife with confusion and anger and helplessness, though not always productive. My therapist seems certain I don't possess codependent traits, but I gather I have not most accurately conveyed the obsessive and consuming nature of my thoughts. Learning to function by myself, with myself. This isn't what I wanted, but it's not what I don't want. I'm doing as I must, I think I must. Each moment, a new wave-some destructive and some so calming. The beach of my brain. Watching the clouds, attempting to avoid destruction or distraction.. Here I am.
