eM

STAND. I must stand. With feet of my own and in no uncertain terms. Can’t want to want to want OR hope to hope to hope. In my heart of hearts and dream of dreams it can be nothing less than what it needs to be.

To me, an angel you will ever be. A teacher of my soul, a purveyor of the truth I so desperately sought. Taught me and brought me to the distraught me. Each moment do I discover a bit more confusing light and loss of the reality in which I once found so much comfort.

Have to be me as me and forever then shall I be. With or without me, life flows on and on and even more on. Will I catch that wave? To a destination of undetermined peace and untimely wisdom. To a place where I am in love with love and expectations be none. With the poetry that I know it to be. To be.

Free.

YES and Many, Many More Things

"Why worry?"

"Because it's one of the only things I'm good at."

"Nonsense, why do you say that?"

Haters might hate but I hate more. Hate that I hate that I hate...that I don't even hate. Perhaps I only despise that which I think I can no longer control....have never controlled.....shan't control. A free bird...free as a bird I dream to be. The free spirit you've always seen me to be. Wished I could see. 

Like that song about talking about me. Just me....sub in worries and more thoughts and fears, still. Round and round and soon to crack an axle.  Breaking the pedestal I've constructed. In you I find I must reject it. All of it, in fact. Different definitely isn't equal but neither is deprecation of self (eM). Thank you for all that YOU are. 

Each eleven of the twelve I shall tackle like never ever before. Flag football hardly polished the rudders and so here I find myself: exploring new territories, setting abstract goals, excited at the prospect of change. The change I never had to consciously contemplate before now. For it is this lack which has corrupted the potential and the present. Right now...with you...it is as sure as the sun. But me, in the orange chair, without a clue....as comforting as it is crippling. Tally heave and ho. 

I feel the hum in ears and head, even if only for a minute or five. Starting so very small with room for sitar lessons. No, actually the harmonica. "And life flows on within you and without you....."

With or without what I need I shall proceed. Into the farce.