This Way

GP,

I took this photo in the very moment I realized that where I was is exactly where I wanted to be. Laying in the brittle and brazen grass beyond the house that built me. With all the perceived flaws and anxious moments and uncertain directions. Because the beauty in the breakdown is as beautiful as I. This truth is my truth and the only truth I ever need to know. My truth lies in the many quests on which I've embarked....of connection, of peace, and of tackling fears. Fears like I've never known, Grandpa. Fears that I never thought I'd ever ever find the strength to chase down. And still do I have so many to go. Your lessons shake the very ground that I like to pretend is solid. But really nothing is ever solid. Nothing ever fixed or promised. Except me. Because I find that I am fixed by the challenge of embracing life for all it offers. To me. All I offer to me. I am what I am as I am. "Not easy to forget," at 5. "A quick study," at 6. "A punk," at 8. And on and on do I exist. And with me....you. 

To many more lessons to come.

XOXO,

Alex

P.S. The weather here today was 51 degrees and dreary and rainy. Today was my last day of NOT eating meat. I ate a 7-layer burrito and 1.5 doughnuts. Tomorrow I will induce food sickness with copious amounts of carnivorous indulgence. It will likely include waffle fries. 

Empty Cups

[Does anybody know how to hold my heart? How to hold my heart? 

Cause I don't wanna let go, let go, let go too soon. 

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark, how to hold my heart. 

Cause I don't wanna let go, let go of you.] S.B.

But I can and I will and I should and...why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't you? We hold each other as we outta hold ourselves. The priorities have been prioritized. The lines drawn. 

The time it took to get here and there is a time I treasure and always will. 

Because whatever will be will be and they've told me this future is not ours to see. 

I saw you as you saw me. As members of this world. Of humanity. Of a class of super special individuals that won't ever forget that plants don't crave electrolytes. 

Not even a little. 

And I'll never need a time masheen [sic, un-sic] because here you are, a part of me. Challenging me to be the best I never knew I always wanted and needed so desperately to be. 

And now I find myself at this road less traveled. Without the fear that became so familiar, yet with a purpose that once seemed so foreign and strained. You brought me back to exactly where I needed to be.

Active and full of life and hope and knowing all the love I might ever need.

To you, sir. One of the most inspiring, incredible, and real people I've ever ever EVER met.

My teacher. My lover. One of my very best friends.

This infinite abyss is ours for the taking. 

May it take you where ever you need to be taken.

I love you.

Thank you.

Always and forever, forever and always.

And Here I'll Be.

L'ho provato sulla mia pelle. 

"In the end, I've come to believe in something I call 'The Physics of the Quest.' A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."

-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I Think I Thought that I Thought.

"What do you feel....right now?" he asked me intently.
I sat there dumbfounded, so sure I was feeling everything. So sure that I felt it all. Every little teeny thing. And why....because I know how to cry?
I smirked in disbelief...I felt nothing. I felt that I was thinking. THINKing. Thinking about what it meant to feel. Thinking I knew how to feel how I felt. No, but I know how to feel about others. Intuition instructs me the best means to comfort them....these ones around me that inadvertently generate how I think I feel. This emotion that molds me into what I think I feel.
I feel that I talk. Talk much. Talk often. Talk fast. Talk about deep things that generate numbers and fascinations and sensationalism. "Thinking isn't your issue," he assured me, "you are very smart." But do I.....feel? Do I impress them with my feelings? With peace, you say? Do I feel peace or know peace or just think and talk about peace? And what of passion? That fire I seek in others as I know to be within me. HA....as I think about feeling I am reminded of the path and how I feel, with the deepest bits of my soul that this path is so necessary and righteous and will lead to where ever I need to be, surrounded by the best versions of what I hope to be. We could talk, but all I want to do is feel it. I want to look with these eyes. Feel with these hands, this skin. This very moment and until forever, even if it never comes. I take it as I take you into my life.
My life. My strife. So right.

I am my own Doctor, Shaman, and Healer.

Session II

These thoughts of mine mask feelings. Distort perceptions. Craft my reality. Ostracize and chastise and brutalize. I use them. And I am ashamed of them. All of them. To feel them, acknowledge them, give them a thought or two. For me you crafted a safe haven of expression and acceptance. Who knew what to do with such freedom? Not me. Ill equipped was I. 

So many questions have I posed. "It's really all gonna be ok, isn't it?"

The thing is, I don't need to worry and worry and worry sick about it being ok.

Cause it already is and I already am. So very ok. Great, even. 

In the right here and right now. With or without outside intervention. 

Walk like a boss. 

Talk like a boss.

With or without Ne-yo. 

It is an odd fate. A new course. This strangely startling fate. Of, course. 

It is and this is.
I may break my own heart, but I also know exactly how to heal it. Better than anyone. Ever.

I can't wait to live the rest of my days. 

With me....

.....As me. 

I'll have a Pickel AND my Motorcycle

Floods.

I am hit with floods of what has come to pass. 

Gone. Gone is he from my view. My life. Gone from these shores. 

To a destination of undetermined mystery.

To where he is and I shall one day be, too.

Gone along to a land of peanuts and big bands and loads of sand.

Never far away, you're here to stay. In my veins, my soul,

and every cheese I ever knew.

I'll be looking at the moon.....but I'll be seeing you.

Always you.

Always will I be walking your way.

From this May, until my dying day.

Command would you, nothing less.

All I can say, Grandpa, is that I'm doing my best.

Enough. Always told me I was more than enough.

Sentimental, as you were tough.

With might you challenged us all to rise to any occasion.

To you I dedicate this Old Style, Roberto.

To you I sing this next song. 

On and on, we will get along, cause you taught us all to be so strong.

To a Pickel.

To a Motorcycle.

To eloquent belligerence and many more re-tellings of all that you were.

Are to me. To us. 

Forever.

xxooo

R.I.P. R.E.P. 

1925-2012

30 Days Without Facebook

I did it to know I could. I did it to challenge dependencies. I did it because I did it. 

I did all this instead of FBing away my life:

Got reeeeeeeeeally pumped when a guest got arrested for mooning protestors. He was instantly the hero of my day.

Decided that whiskey and scotch are the only acceptable lavations until I am mended. I am told this basically makes me an 80 year old man.

Faced down some demons. Swallowed sadness. Cried deeply.

Cursed the long road.

Realized I am really fucking intense. Like seriously. I am surprisingly super ok with it.

Caught up with some long lost souls. I am truly grateful to know so many incredible people. After analyzing my close circle, I realized they all possess the following traits: intelligent, affirming, talented, not accepting of status quo, compassionate, thoughtful, deep, emotional, loyal, moral…the type of persons described as “good people.” They say you attract people similar to you. Clearly I AM thee shit.

Acknowledged book hording tendencies. Added this month: Women Who Run With the Wolves (Estes), Journey to Machu Picchu (Cumes & Valencia), Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help you Find-and Keep-Love (Levine & Heller).

Weight lifted in the garden center.

Worked at least 50 hours every week. Sure it was at two part-time jobs, but still, I feel more like an adult every day. Cause adults work too much and tell themselves it’s a brilliant idea. Muuuuuuney!

Actual radio exchange for price check (at the place where you save BIG money):

“Is it hard or soft?”

“Hard….it’s hard.”

“About how big is it?”

 “8 inches.”

They were talking about an ice pack. This is verbatim. So good.

Decided I must one day have a home that is the kind of place where people want to gather.

Gargled coconut oil. Concocted lime juice potions. Spent outrageous amounts on throat health teas. Decided to be ok with the possibility of getting tonsils removed….arrrrgh. It will probably happen. I will definitely whine.

Found myself an extra 100 bucks without paying an accountant 1 penny. Suck it, IRS!

Kissed my refund AND a decent chunk of credit card debt BUH byyyyyye.

Overindulged. Boy bands, you slay me….and One Direction, I do mean you. It’s probably because you’re British.

Delivered some smiles.

Set aside funds for an overdue aspiration. Researched artists.

Scrubbed my lips. Lip scrub is real and I never thought I’d think it was necessary.

Mandated I will only tan my legs in the future if wearing fishnets.

Mapped out birthday plans. Erotic ones.

Planned future Canadian adventures. My passport WILL get another stamp prior to expiration.

Bid a fond farewell to an icon, hero, and inspiration.

This is what prompted “did you study Speech in school?” and “you should save those note cards, that was a great speech”:

I find “Naval Commander” to be a limited term when describing Grandpa. He wasn’t a mere Naval Commander. He was a commander of attention…regaling us with stories of places far, far away and of memories long, long past. Commanding a room with wit, charm, and intelligence alone. A commander of life. The picture perfect display of the phase “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” He lived every day. With zest. With meaning. With unfaltering humor.

A commander of our hearts. You need not venture far to find someone else with a sidesplitting story or inspirational tale, compliments of the Commander.

A purveyor of dreams. Your most loyal fan. Your favorite drinking buddy. The first person with whom you want to share your good news…your fears…your hopes. He was ready with a resolution, a solution, and in all probability, a mathematical formula.

I’ve heard beauty attracts beauty and looking around, I know it to be true. Grandpa was a pure and understated kind of beauty. And when I say he attracted beauty I mean like seriously beautiful people, please….look at me. Always the flatterer, he never failed to make you feel like the most important person in the room. Full of more class, wisdom, and kindness than most ever achieve, he sets an example of what to be.

Consequently, he also taught us how to string together some of the most effective and awe inspiring lines of nonsensical profanity you’ve ever had the fortune of encountering in your life, with classics such as “Goofy God Damn Silly Son-of-a-Bitch” and the ever effective “BULLSHIT”. In fact, anyone who has ever found themselves a passenger in a vehicle driven by Bob  knows the ONLY proper response to blowing past a DO NOT ENTER sign is  “Do not enter…? BULLshit!!!”

So, you see….he wasn’t JUST a commander, he was many a thing. Teacher. Lover. Class act. Lingustical extraordinaire and one helluva guy. Here, there, and everywhere.

My grandfather. My inspiration. Forever.

I love you, Grandpa. Thank you for being you.

Realized I will never tire of hearing how much I am just like my Mom.

Decided that May will be the month of no meat. Bring it on.

P.S. I challenge you to challenge yourself. This small brush with accomplishment and dedication is wonderful.