Cookies and Gold

I feel heavy now. Heavy and somber. Like my heart is too much for my own skin. Ready to burst out and run away. Leave me, as I've been left. Maybe I left myself or maybe never knew myself. Learning, learning as I go. Why is there such pain in the teaching? Because it makes it stick-the lesson becomes imprinted in your being. I do wonder if you ever reach a quota of scars, of too many lessons learned the hardest ways. I like the quote that your heart keeps breaking until it stays open. When really I fear that my warmth and wellness has become and is further becoming callused and frayed. Broken and misunderstood. Never to have been or will be. Why must we be so alone? Forever we begin and end, alone. There could be a million around and yet we remain, alone. It shouldn't be such a saddening fate, but it just is. Even as we open ourselves in the deepest ways to others, we remain alone. With ourselves. Does this mean we are never, in fact, alone? It's merely a matter of getting to know the one that is with us, always. I can't and shan't be saved or found by anyone other than myself. Grasping and executing that has proven one of the most challenging of life. This day, this lesson. And on and on. To tomorrow or maybe just this next moment and the one after that. I live even as I feel deadened by the heart wrenching reality of living this life as it be. Learning to sit through the cracks and shards and piecing them together with gold or cookie dough. With a wooden spoon, I seek to mould the contentment of now. Whatever that means-it just came out like that. The same and all together different as I've been any other time. Right now, with my nut cookie soul.