of death and dying

The process of dying must present itself as an utterly strange and confusing time, while also shedding much clarity on what matters most. Experienced as a bystander it feels both sad and yet, all the while, encouraging. "Oh dear god" is all that can be conjured for most expressions of relevation, frustration, and confusion. Compassion and comfort are the key to salvation, but too much may spoil the show. The compassion IS lovely. I wish you could view it first-hand...one could only be so fortunate. Seems in some strangely bizarre way, I have felt it...as I lay sprawled speechless and stunned on the floor of my month. How frustrating to be removed of the chance and ability to convey thyself. All you know is left to the memories of yesteryear and all you care for is in the room.

It seems as though I've been here for ages, watching the unknown reality unwind itself. What do you think? What can you do? If I was on the bed, sure...my clothes would come off. Judgements hold no place in the heart of hearts and the statements of such are both null AND void. I wouldn't change a thing and even if unknowingly so, did step up to the plate of sorts. What I know is minute and while I certainly desire an expansion of knowledge....it shall be for another place in time. Thank you, Grandma...your peace and humor continues to floor my understandings of this life. I want to hold your hand. Yes, I do.

Writing is all that makes sense these days. I try to write an entrance into oblivion, while harvesting a more profound sense of self. Comprehension of where I was and where I am is unattainable, which never fails to compel all walks of insanity and perhaps....perhaps even desperation. Desperation to feel lovely and confident and agile and all-around some brand of wonderful-go-amazing. Is that so wrong? Not the "I think I love you" type of insanity, but more of the "make me feel good" strain. Please don't misunderstand me. The desperation isn't you...you are more incredible than maybe you know. Timing? Sure. Personal fiber? A++. All I know is, I'm fairly certain the approach is inefficient and even...wrong? Whatevs. What IS wrong? Who IS wrong? Shit, confidence boosters might have proved extremely useful from birth. Avoiding the tentative obsession is taxing, though necessary or worthwhile. I AM the music, THIS is my music...too much it should be for you.

All that jazz aside, hunger is eminent. Oh yes, but how much weight you've lost. In another locale, that might be an insult. Then again, I'm the insult to your ego, your understandings, your perceived knowledge...and I, YES I, am intellectually lazy. Change? Heck NO. Don't you see I love the challenge of your status-quo? And that makes me...? Honestly a bit of an arse, but a compassionate arse with outrageous and eccentric style. Something to question, something to misunderstand, something to babble. I am, I Am, I AM Alejandra. The Great. And you? Yeah, I'm listening.