More than anything, perhaps, I want to be seen. We all wish to be seen. As alive. As humanly. As worth a damn. To have some larger purpose. Or even a smaller purpose, any purpose that feels like anything. Feeling like I'm going through the motions of living, just trying to grasp for even a moment of joy. I think I used to know joy. I think I used to write more eloquently or perhaps, not at all. Reflections on the past are a tainted means for gauging the present and future, I realize. Still, my brain seems bent upon reliance of past experience.
All the days off work have blended together and though I've done things, I could not tell you much of what has happened. I envy those who find ways of enveloping their pain into creative productions. At least there is some visibility of existence. I'm worried I'll fade into nothing, though we all do this some day. Dust to dust or something.
I'm sitting in the new extra room we rent and remember I hate this couch I'm sitting on. The cushion smashes down unevenly and sloppily under my weight. I like the visible filament of the light bulb, but the output of direct lumens agitates my eyes and by extension, my brain. Everything feels like a damn agitation and I feel exhausted by my own self.
This is only but a moment, but it's all I can gauge. It's difficult to trust my perceptions of anything, even of myself. I wish that life could flow through me a bit more simply, for as of now each minute can range from complete agony to moderate tolerance.
Yesterday I biked outside among the trees and didn't think of much of anything beyond what was in front of me. I long for more moments such as those, and for now I focus on the gratitude of that experience. It's a reminder of what could be and has been. Good things, even within a soul that feels like chaos.
I aim to be operational within imperfection. This writing, perhaps, just is. Not perfect and maybe not anything beyond a capture of my brain space in this exact second. Imperfectly perfect, I've read it to be called. Here I sit, agitated by the lights and sounds and business of my mind. I sit.
