Cracks and Daunting Tasks

I often wonder if I am destined to be alone for the rest of my days. Relationships feel complicated in a way I don't understand and have yet to garner skills necessary for ultimate success. Alone in all my messy sickness and cracks. I shall not have children and even pets feel a stretch, I barely engage my cat and it feels awful. Still, he loves me and that feels enough for now. Once I lived in a studio and though, at times, I recall feelings of loneliness, I also remember being at peace. It is, however, saddening to truly believe that the only means for peace might involve catering my environment to only myself. Perhaps these feelings evolved after a life of being taught to best meet the needs of others, sometimes I believe now is a time for myself. For a bit or maybe forever, either way would not be bad. I do not necessarily wish to be defined by damages up to this point in life, but rewriting the pathways in our brains seems a most daunting task. I am not contented with the current status, but often feel overwhelmed by perceived pressures to mend myself sooner and not later. The knowledge that I could be hurting others and even myself presents as unsettling. I do not like it. For now, I just sit with it.