I'm quite certain tears give exit to toxins. Tears bring relief to the mangled bits of my being. It hurts like hell sometimes, but the tears just continue to come and for even a moment, I know what it means to comfort myself.

Blue and Brave

I'd forgotten I was a somebody. A person. Just like you. Just like anyone.
That I have stories, too. That my dreams and thoughts and actions matter, too. They do.
I lost the path, if I ever was on one. Maybe I'm making my way back or maybe even finding it for the first time. I'm starting to see promise, starting to believe what I always wanted to believe and feel in my own time and flesh. It doesn't matter if this is seen. Writing makes it more real. I learn and know and understand that I matter, too. Of course I do. I feel more confident in my anger and feelings and pain and joy and all of it. That I know I'd be fine and I am fine. What a joy, what a necessity. Become your own best friend, they told me. I used to think it impossible or maybe understood it a bit odd and out-of-reach. But I've found something, something more. Something that feels such a peace, such a comfort. Whether here or there. My toes are blue and my eyes, they are open, too. Walking forward, alive and alert. I feel unafraid, less than ever before. And that, it reminds me that I am brave.

A Fool and Some Gold

Heartache is a odd thing. A disorienting and misleading opportunistic path through unproven fantasies and greener grasses. Heartache is a heartbreak. It fills me with anger and dreams of happiness. But then happiness comes on its own, just as fast. I don't trust you, heartache. Maybe I should, but I don't. You seem a meddling foe, but I feel and see and know you and can't totally discount your presence. When do we listen to these tendencies? When do we run or stay or go away? As I listen to old country tunes that soothe my somber soul, I tell you I know you're here, maybe even to stay. Sitting through the suffering, now, as any other time, is the real peak I climb. Maybe I break a bit more in these times, but some other day I may just be filled in with gold and shall be remade all the stronger. Just for now, I'll sit within these cracks, searching for gold.

Business

Looking back at older posts, even if one would say I shouldn't, I did. And I find myself smiling and feeling more whole, like a whole being. Better understanding my composition and thoughts and existence. I write to remember, I too, am here. To validate myself, even. I don't mind it. I'm getting to know myself a bit more each day and feel more peaceful about the process, which feels quite a welcomed reprieve. In moments of finding myself thinking overwhelmingly of others, I remind myself what my business is or what I wish it to be. Thank you, Byron Katie, and for the helpful soul that pointed me towards you.

Comparable Dreams

"Comparison is the killer of creativity." I read that once and it makes sense, though it hasn't fully translated into action. I'm certainly no killer and least of all of myself, you'd hope. This life is as it is, as it should be, even. Strangely enough I've been thinking lately how there was a time I dreamed of living in Chicago with a mini cooper and boston terrier, working at some socially progressive organization. That was my dream, the fantasy of the day. But here I am, about to move into yet another home in this lovely city, with an albeit, non-bostonian, feisty cat, but driving a silver hatchback and doing the most important work in healthcare I can think of. Funny and heartwarming how those dreams maybe do come true. As if, if you aim it, they will come. Here I am, with the perspective that perhaps I am exactly as I should be. That is that, I suppose.

I bought pajamas covered in smiling vegetables that read "Turnip the Beet" that made me giggle in the store, seemed like a good investment. Smile investments. Also, I hope to find more energy, it seems to have run amok these days. To cook and dream and exist a bit bigger. My sinuses feel a bit rowdy these days, hope to prevent full-blown infection. sniffle sniffle snort snort.

Anxious about breaking out of after-work habit of going home, but looking forward to seeing a beautiful soul. Hoping for much needed soul-relating chats.

Wednesday, you're not so bad.

On a Beach

I'm trying my best to not think of you quite so often and, when I do, redirect my waves to something else entirely. What do I even like to do? Today I thought I might go to the beach to breathe in the sand and nature, but they are closed until some day in May. Apparently there are no forest preserves within a decent distance, so I might try for a park. But I also need to eat. I don't want to go home. I realize how lonely I can so often feel. Sitting through these discomforting sensations is not the easiest and I often rebel against the urge to run. To run so far away. To forget for a bit. But I don't use alcohol or shopping for these things, most times. I want to buy food and drown myself in the most comforting things, but I try not to. I want to face it head on, but maybe there's more I could or should be doing.

This morning the train was halted because someone jumped in front of it, I can't imagine being that driver or that person-such pain. In a rush, I drove an atypical path to work and have felt unnerved much since then. Trying to be better about not looking outward, but inward, to so many preexisting pains and triggers. No one can save me and I do not have an active awareness that is what I may have expected, but perhaps I did. Learning to heal these wounds is so rife with confusion and anger and helplessness, though not always productive. My therapist seems certain I don't possess codependent traits, but I gather I have not most accurately conveyed the obsessive and consuming nature of my thoughts. Learning to function by myself, with myself. This isn't what I wanted, but it's not what I don't want. I'm doing as I must, I think I must. Each moment, a new wave-some destructive and some so calming. The beach of my brain. Watching the clouds, attempting to avoid destruction or distraction.. Here I am.

This Space

Perhaps I am just floating around a bit, no direction in mind.
At times, as unnerved as I am freed.
Faith. Faith in the cosmos or universe or anything.
I suppose it acceptable to merely exist
in this space and this brain space.

Thoughts of 2016

Things that have occupied me as of late:

Minimalism.
Goal setting and self improvement. Future Aspirations. Passion Planner.
Journaling and reflection. Being less reactive.
Debt-free living.
Effective communication and relationship health.
Cooking anything and everything at home.
Bernie Sanders.
What does it mean to be an ADULT? Do I need to be one? Am I one?
Should I take up computer coding? Or maybe medical coding?
The new Star Wars and how kickass it is. Woman power rules.
Acquiring more healthy habits and maintaining them.Weight Watchers?
And a million other things.
Busy bee brain.