CHAching???

Nowhere but UP..from here, my dear. Believe in the possibilities of an undecipherable great beyond. Into it I roam freely with an active urge for knowledge and confusion and comfort. “I may be reckless. May be a fool. I get excited when I get confused….” Truly.

Newly found peace in once chaotic and unnerving situations is a joyous alteration. The key? Unsure. Does a one-time stint with yoga reveal longer-term effects? These pieces are epic. Oh, sweet fragmentation. The credit should likely be spread like jam on rye….you are something of inspirational sorts. Tangible encounters are sparse, but in a way it makes complete sense. Adrenaline and endorphins fuel the trip. WHAT a trip. AND guess what? I am loving it. Hell YES. Suffer well? If you say so.

Desperate attempts of sleep fail me. Inspiration reveals itself in the form of THIS and that. Mostly this. Naps are a damned sword of double edged capabilities. Me familia es dedicado? Sounds legit…like a fox.

Scary. I am uncertain of the derivative or circumfrance. A + B –C = blah, blah, BOOM. Hunger, so many hungers. Thank you BUST and other likely influences. I shall read you cover to cover. AND also you. Don’t be frightened, I am fair and lovely. Time to invest in relaxation techniques and devices. Broken.

Ending. Now, now and never. xoxo

Now. Not later.

Taken over by the fear. Sad, but true. The source isn’t entirely evident, though not tough to hazard a few obvious guesses. Jaded, damaged, and scrambling for unknown and unsupported opportunities. Warning. Warning. WARNing. “I’ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless, cause everyone knows that’s how you get famous.” I could be…right? Wrong? I know not of your intentions or my own…who needs them? Who wants them? Maybe they be noble (HAAAA) and true. At minimum true. Lies. SO tired. Hate dreaming of answers that don’t rely on socialization, flirtation, or experimentation. Shall take up practices of meditation to assist in quelling of brain explosions. Funny how you used that time to have me….replaced? Not possible. Your ego rubbed off and bumped me closer to the accurate locale. Fantastical am I. Fuck these pending neurosis. 7 things. Just seven. Get it? Me hopes not. Hood rats….certainly not you. CRUSHes. Ah, I feel like a girl of 14….with more or less specifications. Still looking for the endless pool of light on the other side. Explanations and explorations abound. Starting….

Post THIS

Think, think, think. In my thoughts….my mind….body…soul. Wishes for otherwise remain unanswered. It’s all in the process. Why…oh why? The rejection and inability is evident. This is a new experience of pain, the kind that leaves one cold and oh-so less trusting. Cynicism and more glorious desires run at a seemingly all-time high.

Foolish, so incredibly foolish. That’s me. That’s you. That WAS us. I don’t care if you all think you know what you know. This is the process. I never said I was glamorous or NOT crazy. I only hope the lesson sticks. The pleasure is in the pain? Perhaps one can’t exist without another. Perhaps I am confounded and forever naive about the harsh reality you spoke of over and over AND over. After all, you did convey your beliefs, your fears, your dreams. I love you for that….the faltered attempts…the jokes and laughs and croissants. So much so that I know I stand not alone. You are next to me, forever and never. Fuego!

Trust me, it was the hardest part….letting go, not taking part. No one really wins this time. Strange is the start, necessary is the change. Ink the score. Color this strand. Polish this coffin. Murder this death. Simply stunning. Not so wonderful was the latest viewed performance. Range appreciated, religiosity not. I’m sure your criticisms would be much the same, even if you never share.

This isn’t a type of tunnel vision, it is the moment. My moment. Take it, leave it. My drug of choice. My hand of expressive glory. My hood of hiding. Your investment in time. I speak of love and altered, blurred perceptions. Many thanks for bended ears and spoken words. You make my dreams come true. Believe it. Believe me. I love you.

Blast.

So this is it. I exist. I am alive and exist. Long before and with any luck, long after the collision of worlds. It was the best and the worst all wrapped together in a robe of inexplicable insanity. It was lovely but the thought now renders me vile and ill with all sorts of yuckiness. You would hardly recognize my direction. I EXIST. Truly, in-your-face, raw existence. I can be described without referral to appearance. The substance is substantial. Love might not be a completion, but I’m winning. No one is right. Certainly not me, least of all you. This is all bullshit. Proceed we must. Change…we must? History shall not be ignored, not by me. I detach. Believe it, my love. Never my love…whatever words I say. Plus much more self-respect. Thank you for the instruction.

Yes. Wonderful, tentative progress. Impossible to not count the chickens when they run so rampant in the yard. Hope. I do possess it. Alright, still. Sentence fragments capture it all with such clarity. If not for you, certainly for me. It’s too early to solidify this moment of joy. What is the secret? Ah, superstition yes. SO much superstition. It ain’t the way…hey, hey, HEY.

And that which limits itself to book and drawers? Necessary. So much that it instills fear and splendid excitement. In the mirror I’ve seen reflected true beauty. Deep down. This is it. The doors shall be flung open….cautiously and with passion and awe-inspiring connections. A new day is upon us. Let’s do this.

12.9.10

As a zombie I proceed down the path of monotony. It's not entirely unbearable, don't misunderstand. Strangely comforting and fresh...exciting. Seemingly difficult to avoid the cycle of anger, frustration, despair, joy, and again and again....again. Who knew a single color could evoke such rage? A feral strain of rage few might comprehend. It happens. Perceived perfection aside, you are horrible people without will, consciousness, or concern. Absent. Fuck you very much. I am alive. I know it. Did I mention this is the best revenge? I wouldn't say missing ___. How could one miss a pebble in their shoe? A sharp pebble that won't ever smooth out. Your status quo won't alter the reality that your condition is in.

Oh, and YOU?? You flatter me with an entirely new set of expectations, offers, opportunities. Amazment. Pure amazement and other things. Thank you. Even if the reality never coinsides with the possibilities, I'm inspired. I am....all I never knew I could be. Victory. Yes. So good. Hopeful. Incredibly hopeful. THIS is life.

Home. Comfort me you do. Companionship. Love. Thoughtfulness. New. Truly...what a difference a day makes.

If the doctor alters the day too radically, I will likely maim you. You and your damn stanky dog, too. Not the literal dog. You understand. Unfortuante decisions aside, I am fine. Thanks for asking. FABulous.

I am knowledge. I am power. I embody all you could never hope to be. And that.....? That's ok.