Of Snakes and Charms

Torture. Sweet and utter torture. This time it didn't come alone....oh no, but instead drug along flattery and excitement and joy. Isn't that much of what anyone needs? To feel wanted and desired and amazing? I could claim it as disrespect and betrayal, but the word selection isn't quite on. Even so, I care not to think of it because my face has been blue enough. Fuck you very much. I have the journey of discovery to keep me warm. The one you claim to be on, but are afraid to start. You know what I'm realizing? They were right. Your treatment was AND has been much less than it should have been. Despite my shortcomings, I might just be something extraordinary. Something full of challenge, love, and growth. Not for you, though. I promise. I KNOW, the round peg isn't intended for the square hole, but I am an optimist and will likely remain the same fool on the hill until the day I die. That's what I bring to the table that is life. And from you? I've been made to feel ashamed and apologetic. Never again with you. My problem? Inexperience. Naivety. Trusting that promises were meant to be kept. They aren't, are they? Life is far too unpredictable.

Cynic and lover. Perhaps the pain really is the gain. Take care of myself. Priority. For real. Accidental babies (d. rice). Stupidity. Love. Needed? A kind word. I'm a sucker for them. OR a plethora of things. Who knows what they want? Likely not me. These are the times of change. Ch-ch-CHANGES.

I am a goddess and a charmer of snakes. The taste of this freedom and exploration may just be my temporary salvation. Along you you and you and YOU. You who reattaches tires and you who would never get me or understand fully what I am or can be. I might just love everything. And Toni, I love you. I miss you and didn't even know you. The fight isn't over and I shall remember you all my life and throughout each of the pending battles. It could have been me or anyone. A crime of opportunity? Bullshit. It was femicide.

PArty....like it's 1999? Of course. These gatherings provided the calm before the storm. So it seems I make a beautiful Rosie....Betty...Lucy? HA. I never was talented with history either. Hard not to think of the next year for such festivities. I feel a girl scout/Wonder Woman/Ducky/Peter Pan combination would suite the intended purposes. I am the train you never saw coming, minus the getting run over. Back on TRACK, GUYS (accurate usage), you save me....again and again. You likely don't even know because your regards for me are up, up and away. Some of you might see me or engage in a round of billiards or comfort my existence with little bits of song, dance, and laughs. Like, I said....I love everything and you all are certainly no exception. The best place for guys? JJC, hands down. HAHA...yeah, there might be something in the water. xoxo

The most I can hope for is to engage you and inspire you and convey my affinity of the arts and humanity and you in it. I do this for me but also for you. It is a part of the contribution. And if I fail? Then it is a process and a tool for remembering me if I perish or go another direction. For now, let me say I love you.....

...

Thoughts of 10.25.10

I find it nearly impossible to fathom or recreate the actions which provided the platform on which red flags were ignored and rationality was cast aside. While there are far too many breakdowns and breakups (minus one) as of late, I am learning and growing and still, cursing myself all the while. It was the best {correction: far from it} AND the worst. Maybe it needed to happen. Trauma always did compel me like no other. A taste of recklessness and spontaneity energizes my heart and soul, though the body likely won't follow suite. I am change. I am love. I am wonder. I am stupid. BUT....BUT, who isn't? I am a seeker and problem solver and maniac...for your love.

If anything, I hope to avoid the tentative sickness....though there is no better way to familiarize myself with market offerings. Ladies, I'm taking one for the team. UPDATE: I didn't even get sick. Lame.

My diluted and misguided self-concept shall by my ultimate downfall. Trust me, I won't take it LYING down....you wish. That's the last (almost) action in which I wish to currently partake. Not to fret...I'm still me, you're still you. It may never happen, but my dreams can be wild and dangerous and forbidden....just like us. Yeah....us. Yikes. You all see me.....and I you, but you see what I cannot up until now. I AM what is reflected in your eyes and on your humbling platform. I mean this to all of you because there is so much love...the honest kind that warms your life and brightens your day. Thank you, thank you. I am redundant...and you....YOU are my salvation. These social bonds are the stuff of legend and lore, a seemingly reputable source told me so. This I know. Fold the book and lock away the hatred.

Holy shit. I can ramble and you can read and listen OR not. I am starting to see it for the strength it is. Quiet? Never. I am Alejandra and Chatty Cathy and Punky Brewster and Drew Barrymore and a conglomeration of filthy gorgeous. Take me or leave me, but FYI....I will love you until my dying day. Ha, scared yet? Don't be. I'm the real deal.

Wen

What was once unclear is now becoming clear...at least, ever so slightly. Despite feelings of being overworked and underpaid, an end and a beginning are near. A newly discovered goal alleviates otherwise tensing situations that have potential for rage and jealously and hurt....though NOT quite. Why? There was too little enhancement (I'm told the key to success) and far too much resentment and contempt...sure, there were plenty of horses. No matter what happens within the confines of pending experiences, there is no regret...only growth and feelings of desire and appreciation. The truth is, I am lucky to have you as a friend.

Boring, boring...yes, seems that is what I've become. So much for being good on paper. SEX. Attention sufficently captured?

AH, I wish to have been born with red hair....wonderful, amazing red. Suppose I wasn't intended for such things. Strange to think of it being grounds for punishment and discrimination. Related, I am a walking cliche, hypocrite, and moron for thinking otherwise. Purple. I want to run and stretch and push my body to it's limits. Busting free of these self-imposed constraints is a common thought. Progress? I feel so....yes. Also, dancing is necessary...to showcase the baffoon that I am. Not a confidence concern, more a reality...and I'm pumped about it. I want to dance with YOU. Who knew! [NO sic] Put on your red shoes and dance my blues.

Turns out, I AM a bit dark, too. ARE YOU DARK ENOUGH TO SEE MY light? Many thanks to Senor Rice...you sick, Scottish bastard. <3 I am a dark and twisted tunnel....of love. HAha...twisted...twisted....always.

NO, I haven't forgotten about YOU. I realize now that I love you all the more and it's scary and frustrating and fantastic, of course. The thing is, you already know this. You love the snow and I'll be lovin' you forever. I also hate to say I'm in desperate need of a distraction from all that you are, were, and will be. Perhaps in the form of an intensely enviable hobby. Fuck dudes tonight, I wanna dance. OH, I did. And hit in 4 pool balls in a row. Ah, success. You'd be proud.

And to all of you lovely other people who help me power through my every day with eyes and hearts wide open...I love you more than you may ever know. For your kindness, care, and love...I can't thank you enough. You challenge and change me, you keep me whole. xoxo
YeS, that's right.....whole. Why? Because I , Alejandra, form a complete (even in fragmented) whole. Not a half. An entire and wonderfully disasterous whole. Damn, that feels great. Traditional conceptions of togetherness always leave me with more questions than answers. Fairy tales are lovely, but I have seen the reality time and again. Potentially a rotation would solve such issues. Potentially I'm all talk and know nothing of anything or everything.

Calm down, you say? If you know the way, please guide me and I shall follow. I wish for it and yet, wouldn't change a thing.....because my intensity and passion could launch ships and inspire change. In a life? A heart? The world? Certainly. I've been told I deserve a pedestal, but I promise you I don't even demand that. More on this later...though hopefully not much later. I'm frightened for the reults of a span without touch...FML. I just want to have a bit of good 'ole, safe fun. Freak? No. Human? Definitely. Suffer I must, stronger will I be.

I am, Am, AM the master of my fate, the captain of my soul. Time to set sail.

It's like a curse...that is the cure? Doubtful.

If I haven't collided with a wall yet, I'm about to. Decisions, decisions....SO many decisions. The roots aren't necessarily deep, but do demand consideration. Trying to balance the requirements of emotional vs rational thinking is transforming me into some brand of crazy. Newer interests and chance encounters blur the senses much more than I'd like to admit. It always seems to retract to a state of demanding concise answers to questions that aren't realistically plausible. Where's the challenge in that? Stop it, Alex. Stop it. I wish. Honestly. DOT DOT DOT. That's me. The sensical part of this whole shindig is a desire for, at least, the allusion of stability. Student loans in this state are a complete and total scam...or perhaps its just the tuition that regulates such needs. Ga Ga Ga....spoon.

HAHA, "sparkles like the ocean" [WhIsPeR...]...Ellen, you slay me. Related, today I wanted to buy a watch...but not for me. What envokes such chaos? Fuck, a watch....a WATCH. I don't expect you to comprehend what I'm trying to say. Is this a common reaction? So much for being independent and graceful. It pains me. Funny....I think I forgot what it means to really be bitter and angry and sad and what it feels like to cry while watching porn. Wait, that was a first. Yes, I know...I'm in denial. Is ignorance really bliss? I can only hope because such sentiments are far too sparse. Then again, I have no quams about letting my freak flag fly. I wish I could say passion and intimacy were overrated, but that would be horribly inaccurate. It's frustrating to contain passion outside of the activist arena. Oh sweet, sweet torture. I love you so. I hope to one day obtain Lily Allen levels of greatness. Just watch me. FUCK yes.

Peace. Love. Insanity. You love me, admit it.

CHANGE. Change. change. You're not waiting.

To see and feel what I do would in all likelihood be crazy and strange and riveting and terrible. I said it and I'll say it again....TERRIBLE. The stopper has been removed, which aids in explanations related to the continual expulsion of deranged sorts of desire and confusion in any and all directions. Always, always direction. Seriously strange, but also amusing and phenomenal. SOMETHING is happening. Something necessary...something great. And YES, you ARE part of the revolution. A catalyst? Perhaps. It also helps that I didn't actually have a cavity. I can't stop...really, truly, deeply {sans the madly}. SCRATCH that, I am mad...like Beatles style via I Want You (She's So Heavy). Written expression is my highly addictive drug of choice. Alas, it functions in much the same way...it temporarily solves potentially larger concerns and losses AND overwhelming, lovely gains. I desire BDs something fierce.

Pumped with endorphins from an unknown source, today acted as a type of salvation from a misunderstood me MO my. You think you're loving, but you don't love me? Accurate. Also accurate: repetition is bound to occur....bear with me lovers. The spinning wheel will keep on a' spinning....until rationalization collides with reality. The brain works in mysterious ways and your mystery is yet to be revealed. The tentatively awaited day is drawing near and near and near. One can only hope you see patience as a virtue and...me....me as something to see for what I am. Nonsensical and MAGICAL. Just like you.

Something of a disaster. LA LA LA

I had thought the intention was clear, but never...no never. Confusion is ruler of this life, and likely the next. Still, confusion remains a tight compadre of dellusioned misunderstandings and nothings at all. Only morons don't wear seatbelts....oh and disclose WAY to much. Justin, I just need somebody to love, too....let's start a club with the remaining members of Queen. HAha. Yeap..HA. The flow of Merlot is compacting the frustration of losing the cord to my tensed up core, soul, face...blah, blah, blah.

NO, I don't have ink, much in the same way you lost all respect for me way long before it all began. Sure, you've heard the same story hashed 200004 different ways....and I've seen the change and fucking comfort that springs. Your incompetence is unnerving. Your lack of concern or taste....incredible. Not in the good way. I promise you. Honestly and truly. Over and over. I am gone. You are gone. And did I mention...on the floor? Yeah, I saw you. I've seen you. Over and over. What else? Us. Welcome to the real world.

Oh...and YOU? Sure, I'm an idiot. Who isn't, though? In some way, it might be lucky and even lovely....in another light perhaps it's more of a purplish tint of disaster. FML. I can't change what I feel, though trust me...I've tried. I HAVE and then again some more. Rough....but wonderfully relavatory [REAL or not]. Typical. I'm no more a freak than anyone else in my situation. Sorta, but with more of an educated edge. Exactly. Done and done. Though not quite. I'm freakishly fragmented and generally misinformed.

And the bread...oh, the bread? There's nothing more I can say. Morning comes early, especially for me though likely not for you OR you. Rambling aside, thought has been given. Give me something...though not just anything. It's not you, it's me. Of course. Strangley enough, conveying [S] frustration and all that via some contorted idea of what I experience as reality was always a point of strength. You dig it? I dig you. Sleep well, my loves.

10.3.10...again and AGAIN

Rationalization of the insanity within proves futile. I want to tell you everything and nothing, all at once. For one who used to pocess such patience, I am strangely about the sooner than later. Alas, damage is undeniable but hidden. Where DO broken hearts go, Whitney? I desire unspeakable things in an....unspeakable time? Who gauges such things? I mourned the change, or lack therof, years before the reality...like writing a report before the due date. Maybe analogies aren't a strong suit, but perfection is overrated. My cerebelum is crawling with "what ifs" and "dammmnnn, boy." Hopefully the criptic nature disguises the fears and anxiety within. Feel free to ignore me...this and that.

of death and dying

The process of dying must present itself as an utterly strange and confusing time, while also shedding much clarity on what matters most. Experienced as a bystander it feels both sad and yet, all the while, encouraging. "Oh dear god" is all that can be conjured for most expressions of relevation, frustration, and confusion. Compassion and comfort are the key to salvation, but too much may spoil the show. The compassion IS lovely. I wish you could view it first-hand...one could only be so fortunate. Seems in some strangely bizarre way, I have felt it...as I lay sprawled speechless and stunned on the floor of my month. How frustrating to be removed of the chance and ability to convey thyself. All you know is left to the memories of yesteryear and all you care for is in the room.

It seems as though I've been here for ages, watching the unknown reality unwind itself. What do you think? What can you do? If I was on the bed, sure...my clothes would come off. Judgements hold no place in the heart of hearts and the statements of such are both null AND void. I wouldn't change a thing and even if unknowingly so, did step up to the plate of sorts. What I know is minute and while I certainly desire an expansion of knowledge....it shall be for another place in time. Thank you, Grandma...your peace and humor continues to floor my understandings of this life. I want to hold your hand. Yes, I do.

Writing is all that makes sense these days. I try to write an entrance into oblivion, while harvesting a more profound sense of self. Comprehension of where I was and where I am is unattainable, which never fails to compel all walks of insanity and perhaps....perhaps even desperation. Desperation to feel lovely and confident and agile and all-around some brand of wonderful-go-amazing. Is that so wrong? Not the "I think I love you" type of insanity, but more of the "make me feel good" strain. Please don't misunderstand me. The desperation isn't you...you are more incredible than maybe you know. Timing? Sure. Personal fiber? A++. All I know is, I'm fairly certain the approach is inefficient and even...wrong? Whatevs. What IS wrong? Who IS wrong? Shit, confidence boosters might have proved extremely useful from birth. Avoiding the tentative obsession is taxing, though necessary or worthwhile. I AM the music, THIS is my music...too much it should be for you.

All that jazz aside, hunger is eminent. Oh yes, but how much weight you've lost. In another locale, that might be an insult. Then again, I'm the insult to your ego, your understandings, your perceived knowledge...and I, YES I, am intellectually lazy. Change? Heck NO. Don't you see I love the challenge of your status-quo? And that makes me...? Honestly a bit of an arse, but a compassionate arse with outrageous and eccentric style. Something to question, something to misunderstand, something to babble. I am, I Am, I AM Alejandra. The Great. And you? Yeah, I'm listening.

A Beginning...of Sorts

Rust is forming on the facade that used to be an answer to the fear of not knowing....and disallusioned comfort. What once came easily is now a struggle of obsession, confusion, and all the other types of seemingly negatory sentiments. Strange that I can't connect the dots and when I do, do so with such niave wishes and awkward demands. For really, the only honest cares come from within....or at least they should. Confidence acts as a fresh, long-lost compadre...but one that waivers so easily. I could say it was for stupidity that the status quo drifted into the everyday normalicy of existence. Being an exposed outcast in a smattering of closed faces breaks the shards of all that remains. Sad? Sure. Unexpected? Never. Searching for simple answers is as unrealistic as riding a bike attached to a black lab. Do people actually revel in misery? Perhaps. Sometimes its the only thing that doesn't change.

Having the courage to pose in contorted positions of nudity was concise and without concern. Lovely, lovely change. I AM beautiful. Yes, me. Yes, you. Yes, pencils and acrylics. I hope to appear with a tinge of blue, green, and warmth. I hope you smile and love me all the same. The truth is, I love you. I love each and evey one of you....I've seen what matters, even if it's not always attainable. I am a nymph. If you have the strength, find the key.

Claude is changing my life, one carrot at a time. His fearful nature makes questioning my tenderness and compassion plausible. Beatrize wimpers and wags as the window breaks and malfunctions terribly. Perhaps I am broken and malfunction terribly.

Oh stop. Really...just stop. Crazy. Please appreciate the better side that doesn't require a microscope and glass of something or other. Oh and you...I DANCED with you. I smiled with you. Thank you. Really, thank you. Bananas COULD be unleashed upon you, but that would be horrible and scary and lovely and probably, amazing. YES, amazing.

Effective lotion for countering the condition that is cracked, alligator skin is much desired. Recommendations appreicated. Also...a cure for Bieber fever. That's right. I SAID it.

Ah, the goodness that is expression is present and the unpleasantness of longing has been released. This is potentially non-sensical, but guess what? This isn't for you and you alone....it's for me. The priority? Me. Me not exploding in all directions at once. And maybe a bit for you. Who are you? Who am I? Remember, I danced with you. Don't dance on the heart of bitterness.

I shall rise again, in the form of a phoenix. Help me to help you. xoxo