Favorite Dinosaur

I'm not sure there's anyone I can talk to,
though not because of lack of willingness.
It's just that there's nothing to say,
no new insights or reflections to bear.
No additional healing or revelations.
Not now.
I'm just breathing, reminding myself this is the way
That today is better than even a month ago.
Do the grief work, feel the feelings.
It's not glamorous to do the work and feel it all.
And the contrast isn't fair, but what of his feelings?
Where do broken hearts go?
I'll never know, mine is firmly lodged in my chest.
Nowhere to go, but here.
And whereever you go, there you are.
I sit with that and think of it and spite it.
I wish you'd go, I wish your spirit would leave my realm.
All in due time, when the time is due.

I once heard that every emotion stems from two places,
love or fear.
Today as I walked myself through breathing,
I identified fear and the fear that I'll never feel that way again.
Who's to say?
Thoughts are not facts. Thoughts are not facts.
The struggle is surviving those impossible moments,
being your very best friend and enthusiast.
I'm learning to do that and have such gratitude
for the friends and loved ones that remind me it is possible.
They prop me up in the midst of blues and hysterics.
It's ok, it's alright. You're doing this just right.

Healing and medicine presents itself in many forms.
What it is one day may not be the same the next.
Seeking and searching and healing,
without consciously using anything to self-medicate.
I've seen what that can do and I understand the appeal,
but I'm trying to channel strength and focus
to feel the feels and work through the pains.
Each day, every moment.
It might be easy to blame you or others,
but I've done that. It's not the way. I've tried it.
Mostly there's nothing and no one to blame.
Life and love is a continuous gamble.
We all and each you and I played this game.
Maybe it's true there are no winners.
Does it mean we shouldn't play?
Doubtful.
This one wants to know what my favorite dinosaur is.