To My Sister

I just had the thought
will I ever be ready?
Ready for the day I receive an update,
the news of where you are and where you've been.
Are you alive, are you dead?
I miss you and think of you often
and maybe I shouldn't
but whenever I do I send warm wishes and hope.
I send hugs and place my hands to the sky.
Because you're my sister.
Because I've seen too much beauty in you
and know too much to think you are beyond hope.

No, I know you're a fighter. To your very core.
I oddly found myself praying for you
when I realized there was nothing else to do.
For years I watched as person by person gave you their version of help,
be it money or pleading or distance or some other thing you might be needing.
Did it ever really help?
Maybe yes or maybe not.

I just know I miss you and I'm not one to give up,
I think of you so often and pray and hope and wish like hell
you find the strength and courage and love you so deserve.
You owe it to yourself.
Life is a fucking asshole and it breaks us down,
what you've been through is nothing short of impossible.
But you're a fighter, dear sister.

Please fight and heal and come back to us.
I can't help you the way you wanted me to or us to, perhaps.
But I held your face in my hands,
fully aware it might be the last time I ever touched you
or saw you with my own eyes.
It was ages ago now and even then I knew we couldn't convince you
to swim away from that which was drowning you.

I've found it a challenge to acknowledge so many hard truths,
mostly about myself and the nature of life.
It tears you the fuck down and doesn't care if you stand back up.
But I care, I found a way to care about myself
and I care about you. Gosh do I miss you.
Worry and think about you.
And remind myself to send joy and love
and moments of prayer. How odd to be a person who never knew I'd pray.
But I do, just for you.

I love you, sister.
Please heal, please fight, please know your feelings are just right,
but don't let them kill you. Don't let it grind you down.
You are strong as hell, we women are.
I'm fighting for you, I take you with me each moment and day.
I love you, beloved sister.
Please know you are loved today and on and on,
through and through.