but not taken away or taken down.
See the clouds
but not floating in them.
Feel the high
but am not high.
Grounded in the goodness
of the moment and space and person and place.
Is this what it's supposed to feel like?
Maybe even has,
I forget.
Grounded in myself and what I want or don't,
what and who I am just now.
Not obsessing and ruminating and wondering
how and why and when.
It just is or isn't or will or won't be.
Who is this I now am?
It's not with each person or moment or connection.
Nay, some drive me mad or leave me indifferent and feeling bland.
Out of my mind and out of my head,
directed by fear or misconstrued fantasy.
Who they are, where they've been.
Do they text me enough or mean what they said?
Let us not become some drug, some species to marvel at.
Let us not grasp in desperation, nor fear.
For each other and the connection we could so easily cling to.
I've attached here and there,
I've attached myself everywhere.
To him and him and him and still more.
Don't leave me. Don't you need me?
Don't you want me? Say it's true.
Say it again, in every language and way you can name.
Lest I believe it, for certainly I can't be worthy
of love. Of connection and wanting.
It's not the way,
not the way and path on which I want to walk.
Not in fear and with anxiety tight in the chest.
Easy and more carefree, perhaps there's something there.
Do we attract what we are? Maybe, perhaps.
But the concept of "deserving" is so damn fickle, who's to say.
Love is a confounding concept and practice to grasp,
even more common to throw around, sensationalize,
something on which to capitalize.
The broken road, it has blessed me, it's true.
All the trials and tribulations and looking at myself, straight on.
Uncomfortable truths and unsavory realities,
they're right there along with the most glamorous and shiny parts of me.
Dark and light and glossy and matte,
the color gradients and variances of the messy beauty I am.
We all are, each of us.
There's nothing that hatred or shame or stigma can render clean,
the power in acceptance and letting it all just be.
Belief in a deity isn't necessary, even.
But there were moments a prayer or two saw me through,
shown some beams of hope into the most abandoned corners of my spirit.
I think now, more than ever, I see myself most visibly.
Clear in the knowledge that I'll change,
things won't always be predictable or comfortable.
But that's nothing to say about me or loving or leaving
or the care and attention I want and will always be needing.
Digging that well deeper and deeper and filling it up
with goodness and gratitude and forgiveness.
I realize now the eagerness and receptiveness and general unattached demeanor.
We become what we believe we are and what we "deserve", eh?
Perhaps some of my experiments and rewiring has gone through,
taught me new realities I didn't used to believe.
Take the lessons and leave the rest,
don't employ the same tactics again and again and again.
Try it new, try it fresh.
Make yourself uncomfortable and explore what hurts or is wrecked.
Then, be absolutely and immensely surprised by what comes next.
Enlightening and precious,
something more or less.
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