Laments on this Truth

A little bit freaked out, a bit more grounded.
Sometimes I miss you, but mostly not at all.
Often I can't write exactly what I mean,
can't spell it correctly or use it well.
Feel myself growing ever-so-slowly,
yet I believe myself stuck.
Immovable and convinced of my place.
Back and forth and back and forth,
you're just as unsure as I am.

In these explorations and musings, we're all together.
I've been the abused and the abuser,
knew my role or found it after moving through
the pain, the pleasure, the fear and the love.
All of it exists side by side and next to one another.
I want to be everything and nothing,
everyone to everyone,
nobody to everyone.

It's nice to feel like somebody now and then
a somebody to all of them,
sometimes only in message and other times in the flesh.
Learning parts of myself I didn't know could exist,
the joy of getting to know who the hell I am.
I'm complex and sometimes just so simple,
but not basic. I laugh at the clarification.
The poetics amuse me, after all.

Life is a gamble, a rhyme, something to know.
I know I am 30, ever-so-nearly 31.
Grasping and cawing and thriving and striving
to be the better, the best
version of Alexandriaaaa.
That's my name, my name.
Though I doubt you'd even recognize me anymore.

Digging up that courage and conviction and confidence
that was once long-ago buried.
Digging and digging and digging it up.
Myself, my love, my heart, my flame.
Fan it and fan it and watch it reign,
it speaks of me
and the shit I've been through.
It speaks of my sister and my mother and brother and father.
They're all with me, each and all of them.

It's not burning me alive, it became me.
I became that fire. I'm burning and it doesn't much hurt.
That fire, that fire
it once drew you in.
I'm channeling it, babe. Maybe you'd even be proud.
I don't want to hate you and really I don't, never did.
It's true sometimes, I miss you.
Who I thought I was.
But she wasn't me, I left me long ago.

I'm grateful, it's true, to have loved and knew.
Thank you, thank you, I say.
Thank you, dear love. I wish you the ultimate best.
I'm not afraid, no longer afraid.
It's real, it's free, it's honest.
The flames they rage, but so do I.

Beautiful and blue, clear and true.
Words and more words, still, like I always have done.
Some like the words, I know I do.
You once loved my brain and many others do, too.
I'm going on and on to places most true.
It's lovely, it's beautiful, I'm honored to know this place, too.