Bead Beyond Bead

I don't like this feeling.
It's uncomfortable as all hell.
The shell(s) are cracking.
I'm trying to stay in my own business.
Examining attachment style and jealousies and insecurities.

Things I'm not supposed to mention
or entertain.
I'm entertaining them and grilling them with questions,
inquiries. Why do you exist? Why do you manifest in that way?
I think about crushes and what it means to be me and free.
Romantically, to not need another.
To hold hands with that little girl.
Re-brand the pains I've known,
the stories I've told
again and again to myself.
To anyone who might listen.
I'm this, I'm that.
Steadfast and stuck.

Getting unstuck is uncomfortable,
being real with myself about what feels non-glamorous.
Channeling that energy I'm most drawn to,
that person I want to attract.
Become what you want to have nearest to you.

Thinking about what drove us apart, what led you astray.
That it happened because it was meant to,
maybe should have unfolded much sooner.
Lost myself in you, in the fantasies of whatever I thought it was,
wanted it to be. Not reality.

Saying this for myself, but as a reminder to all of the struggle
to exist and be in this world and not get lost in it all.
Life is suffering, they said.
I get it now. It's not funny, but sometimes it can be.

I look at the rolls coming over my panty strap and smile,
feel grateful for these lungs and legs and life force.
Spent minutes upon minutes thinking through intentions and
moving bead beyond bead.

Today didn't unwind how I thought and hoped it might,
but I rested and breathed and worked through these blasted insecurities.
A step closer to whom I hope to be.
The hurt that comes out through the healing,
patience is required.

It's hard to believe sometimes that living can be this hard,
for all the moments I took for granted and didn't have to think
through each moment and breath.
Now I feel each step and ache and trauma and memory.
Working and working and working with it and straight through it.
Laughing as I cry and living as I die.

Words maybe can never mean much,
but they are all we have to leverage and share and compare
the dire and lovely means of existence.
I hope you see this and remember you aren't alone.
Even if what is here doesn't make sense,
you can write what you know to be truth.
Eat and breathe and make the most of this day and time.
Goodnight, moon. Goodnight to you.
To tomorrow, another day.