The Tunnel

Each time I want to believe it has come to a stop.
That the sadness I've felt is a mere phase. But it never is. Rather, it seems to be a familiar presence. Not completely unwelcome, but old and tiring. I look at people time and again who express happiness or seem contented and I am as much in awe as I am confused. Are they really? How do they do it? What is it about their lives? Maybe I deserve this because I don't make the time to meditate or exercise. Because pulling myself out of bed and feeding myself is the biggest victory of my day. I dread coming to work, not because it's work, I don't think, but because I feel imprisoned. Imprisoned by myself, my brain, my very being. I don't cope well and I'm grateful for most of the effects of the medication, but sometimes it makes me wonder if I can even feel anymore. When I cry, it seems to almost come out of nowhere and sometimes I only feel the urge, but cannot. Not that crying without cognitive reason is much of a new sensation. I suppose I just don't know how to gauge progress. What is progress for me? How far have I come?
Where am I in my brain? I feel lost. I feel like I want to sleep for forever and I'm not even sad about missing out.
I retreated into the bathroom a moment ago, but couldn't get the tears to fall, even though moments before I had to hold them back from behind my computer. Who am I?
Maybe I just need sleep and need to fix this recent diagnosis of sleep apnea. What if treating that fixes nothing and I'm just as dazed as before? What if I can't find the focus I need to be a better employee? What if I never stop asking "what ifs"? Is this my life?
"For now," said a much smarter voice in my head.
I wonder if I have an internal Buddhist in there somewhere.
Also, I can't believe it has been yearly a year since I wrote regularly. I think I spent much of that year convinced I was happy and only wrote as much in the past due to absence of happiness. That only true creativity comes from sadness. That's not how I want it to be. I believe writing helps to cleanse the toxins that seem to run rampant in my system and I don't even realize until they've taken over and I can't see out of the tunnel. This fucking dark tunnel.