Even Un-prescribed Burns

"During each burn, non-native plants are removed, allowing prairie plants more nutrients and room to grow. Prairie plants can survive fires since they have deep roots and grow from a point underground. A prescribed burn is a crucial component in prairie restoration."

Shop Locks

The china shop that I am.
You meandered around, seeing all the nice things
the broken bits
and confusing spectacles.
Saw and wanted the finest pieces,
held them near for a time or two.
Never to stay for long.
Maybe not a bull,
but unaware of the impact of a swinging bag.
I let it exist,
believed it to be true,
strong enough.
But I am a china shop.
A beautiful, packed shop.
The fragility and openness I no longer dismay.
It's ok, maybe you didn't know.
Never met one like me.
I left the door wide open, didn't believe in locks.

You helped me locate the key,
thank you.
The brokenness isn't so bad,
the bittersweet of the pain is tolerable for now.
Now I have a padlock
and duplicate keys.
To keep it all more secure and stable and able.
Thank you, my lost love.
You taught me to take the good with the bad,
to know faith and heartache.
Broke some pieces along the way,
but there is more to see, more to share.
The lessons are important, I suppose.
The lock on this china shop
will keep me safe.
It'll be ok.
One day soon I'll forgive the carelessness,
the jaded conventions of friendship
and proclamations of fidelity.
My lock is working just fine
and the glue is stronger than a gorilla, too.
Thank you for teaching me how to beautifully break.
I'm still here, you see.
Standing and breaking and irreversibly shaken.
Can't look away from the truth that I am.
A lovely, open china shop.

Do you know love?

"...good love has nothing to do with what they are or what we harvest from them. Good love is the way in which we love them — it’s us loving their very being, us loving their essence, us loving their ups and downs and imperfections and dumb complaints and irritations and short-comings and differences, for fucks sake, us loving their decisions — each day.

We fail to realize that the answer to “why?”, in true love, is something more like “because I choose to.”

Source: https://medium.com/@krisgage/most-of-what-we-think-of-as-love-is-bullshit-a745b3b999a

"They all want to jump your bones," she said.
"I can't share my bones right now." 

Less volatile, less awake

I'm drawn in by topics and things many others avoid. Feelings and realness and vulnerability. I'm not for everyone. There are complexities and frustrations and beauties beyond comprehension that I possess. I spent so many years feeling ashamed, of who I am, of what I'm capable of or not. The silence and lack of responsiveness exacerbated the worst truths I believed of myself. No more. Looking through fresh lenses and stripped back realities. Taking it less personal and listening to what is. Anxious and avoidant were never a sound pairing, of course not. Free of chains and unspoken truths.

And this.

“And you tried to change, didn’t you? Closed your mouth more. Tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake… You can’t make homes out of human beings. Someone should have already told you that. And if he wants to leave, then let him leave. You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love.” -Warsan Shire

For now

For now, I'm just Eeyore.
For now, I'm just breathing.
Going through the motions
Watching shows and eating frozen uncrustables.
Planning for more productive and easier days.
But for now, I'm just here. Existing.

A Tube of Golden Glue

In one hand, a box of tissues.
In the other, golden glue.
Back and forth and back and forth
Healing and tearing
Tearing and healing.

Stronger than I knew.
I close up the remaining fragments in a locket.
I've learned to protect myself
Something I never knew how to do.
Gave away the whole of me, so willingly.

Reeling it back in.
Now knowing others don't treat you the way you treat them.
Ethical love is maybe a farce
All those tears and words were never enough
Please stop, please stop. Make it stop.

Made the mistake of thinking you saw me
Even though I never saw me.
For so long have wanted others to fill in the gaps,
Now I feel the shattered reality of how inaccurate that could be.
These lessons I hadn't yet learned are here to stay.

Each moment, each day I love you a bit less.
See the reality ignored for years and years and years.
I wanted you to be what I thought I needed you to be.
Not seeing that all along,
the only damn person I needed to see was me.