For now

For now, I'm just Eeyore.
For now, I'm just breathing.
Going through the motions
Watching shows and eating frozen uncrustables.
Planning for more productive and easier days.
But for now, I'm just here. Existing.

Silver Journey

Perhaps these days I'm writing a bit more for myself. And not for the thrill of it. As the days meld into on another, I tend to glamorize my experience. If someone were to ask me, "how have you been?", my inclination is to respond with "good" or some such phrasing, but looking back over the documentation of each day, each moment, I see that it is not so accurate to say I am "good." Certainly there are moments of goodness, for which I feel much gratitude, but to exclude the times that are less-than-good is to proclaim an inaccurate picture of my existence. My last entry read like this:

"Feel tired and nervous about the cramping in my legs. Throat hurts a bit. Intro to Social Work class has been mostly good. Thoughts of going off medication all together. Wish for more time, more energy. Glad tomorrow is payday. Wish I lived in a country with better social programs. Feeling guilty about not being involved with my Mom and her care. Wish I could feel more or something. Not sure where I am or what I feel. I think I'm tired more than anything. I guess this is life. Shower and bed."

I can find the goodness in most anything. I always try my best to see or create the silver lining, but still I can't help but feel the loss of the sunshine in my heart and hints of optimism that things will be better. Maybe yes, maybe no. Maybe this is just how it is, an idea in which I find both comfort and terror. This is where I stand in this moment.
Peace to you. May your journey be only yours.

In the Grass

This heart of mine, it aches.
Depression or repression of the spirit, the definition of melancholy read. 
I focus on the gratitude that I feel for the many things in life. The stuff I know.
The sky so blue. The grass against my back. For accordion players and laughter.
Be grateful.
Be grateful.
Be grateful.
And I despise myself more than I realize. The active voice of hatred I used to have is gone,
but in it's place remains an underlying sabotage of goals and the havens I seek.
The battle is a battle day in and out and moment by moment.
And then comes the gratitude in the mere moments that seem like they must be happiness.
This isn't the place I consciously choose to be, but here I am.
Journeys of healing never seem to be swift and I suppose that holds the purpose.
Because the gratitude I feel is real. So real, that I use it to remember I once knew joy.
Droves of joy.
Have known it. Will know it again, I reassure myself. Maybe yes or no.
But for now, I remain side-by-side with sorrow.
It is now, but I aim not forever.
For whatever can be forever...?
Neither smiles, nor frowns.
Developing the mechanisms to handle the ups as well as the downs.
This moment: the only one I have.
I breathe the air and remember....I am breathing.