Silver Journey

Perhaps these days I'm writing a bit more for myself. And not for the thrill of it. As the days meld into on another, I tend to glamorize my experience. If someone were to ask me, "how have you been?", my inclination is to respond with "good" or some such phrasing, but looking back over the documentation of each day, each moment, I see that it is not so accurate to say I am "good." Certainly there are moments of goodness, for which I feel much gratitude, but to exclude the times that are less-than-good is to proclaim an inaccurate picture of my existence. My last entry read like this:

"Feel tired and nervous about the cramping in my legs. Throat hurts a bit. Intro to Social Work class has been mostly good. Thoughts of going off medication all together. Wish for more time, more energy. Glad tomorrow is payday. Wish I lived in a country with better social programs. Feeling guilty about not being involved with my Mom and her care. Wish I could feel more or something. Not sure where I am or what I feel. I think I'm tired more than anything. I guess this is life. Shower and bed."

I can find the goodness in most anything. I always try my best to see or create the silver lining, but still I can't help but feel the loss of the sunshine in my heart and hints of optimism that things will be better. Maybe yes, maybe no. Maybe this is just how it is, an idea in which I find both comfort and terror. This is where I stand in this moment.
Peace to you. May your journey be only yours.

In the Grass

This heart of mine, it aches.
Depression or repression of the spirit, the definition of melancholy read. 
I focus on the gratitude that I feel for the many things in life. The stuff I know.
The sky so blue. The grass against my back. For accordion players and laughter.
Be grateful.
Be grateful.
Be grateful.
And I despise myself more than I realize. The active voice of hatred I used to have is gone,
but in it's place remains an underlying sabotage of goals and the havens I seek.
The battle is a battle day in and out and moment by moment.
And then comes the gratitude in the mere moments that seem like they must be happiness.
This isn't the place I consciously choose to be, but here I am.
Journeys of healing never seem to be swift and I suppose that holds the purpose.
Because the gratitude I feel is real. So real, that I use it to remember I once knew joy.
Droves of joy.
Have known it. Will know it again, I reassure myself. Maybe yes or no.
But for now, I remain side-by-side with sorrow.
It is now, but I aim not forever.
For whatever can be forever...?
Neither smiles, nor frowns.
Developing the mechanisms to handle the ups as well as the downs.
This moment: the only one I have.
I breathe the air and remember....I am breathing.

The Tunnel

Each time I want to believe it has come to a stop.
That the sadness I've felt is a mere phase. But it never is. Rather, it seems to be a familiar presence. Not completely unwelcome, but old and tiring. I look at people time and again who express happiness or seem contented and I am as much in awe as I am confused. Are they really? How do they do it? What is it about their lives? Maybe I deserve this because I don't make the time to meditate or exercise. Because pulling myself out of bed and feeding myself is the biggest victory of my day. I dread coming to work, not because it's work, I don't think, but because I feel imprisoned. Imprisoned by myself, my brain, my very being. I don't cope well and I'm grateful for most of the effects of the medication, but sometimes it makes me wonder if I can even feel anymore. When I cry, it seems to almost come out of nowhere and sometimes I only feel the urge, but cannot. Not that crying without cognitive reason is much of a new sensation. I suppose I just don't know how to gauge progress. What is progress for me? How far have I come?
Where am I in my brain? I feel lost. I feel like I want to sleep for forever and I'm not even sad about missing out.
I retreated into the bathroom a moment ago, but couldn't get the tears to fall, even though moments before I had to hold them back from behind my computer. Who am I?
Maybe I just need sleep and need to fix this recent diagnosis of sleep apnea. What if treating that fixes nothing and I'm just as dazed as before? What if I can't find the focus I need to be a better employee? What if I never stop asking "what ifs"? Is this my life?
"For now," said a much smarter voice in my head.
I wonder if I have an internal Buddhist in there somewhere.
Also, I can't believe it has been yearly a year since I wrote regularly. I think I spent much of that year convinced I was happy and only wrote as much in the past due to absence of happiness. That only true creativity comes from sadness. That's not how I want it to be. I believe writing helps to cleanse the toxins that seem to run rampant in my system and I don't even realize until they've taken over and I can't see out of the tunnel. This fucking dark tunnel.

To know.

Days like this I wonder how I even function at all. How do I do things ever.

My heart aches. I feel trapped in my cube.

I couldn't barely wake up and get out of bed.

I saw my counselor. 

I'm trying to be productive, but each moment feels like a struggle.

Why is my brain the way it is? Am I not doing enough to fix me?

Has there been progress? I don't know. I hope and hope, but don't know.

How are you with me? 

Will I always feel discontented and restless? What kind of life is that?

Not one I'd wish on anyone. 

Am I the only one who feels like I'm stuck in one place, even though my brain is screaming to run?

I don't know.

I don't know why there is you.

Sometimes I fear you don't believe me when I describe how fucked up I think I am on any given day.

Until that moment when you realize I've been speaking the truth the whole time.

My heart aches.

I want to feel contented, but sometimes it seems the more I grasp for it, the further away it is.

You make it seem so easy and I envy that about you.

I look at those that seem happy to try to replicate their efforts.

Try to go a day without wanting to cry or feel self-pity.

Why is this life, this life?

Us and Stuff

It's true.

The beautiful stuff is all we ever knew.

There are moments and so,

it is they which help us to grow.

We'll talk and talk and feel and feel

Until we each believe it to be real.

Maybe you already know it

Because you never fail to show it.

The love.

The life.

The greatness that is

US.

Fear and Loving in CHI-cago

I lo-lo-love...
connecting with people that accept and value me not in spite of my flaws but because of them.
soulful lady jams.
real honest-to-goodness homemade jam and jelly.
those who ARE ready for all this jelly.
moments when I can feel the love I have for myself.
growing my brain [many thanks to TED talks].
remembering that hope is never ever really gone.


I fear...
being stuck under the weight of myself.
never knowing freedom.
lack of connection.
lack of passion.
lack of mobility.
not loving or accepting myself just as I am.
an avocado shortage.
forgetting laughter.

Negotiate this.

PRIMARY
NEGOTIATOR
(this is your dominant personality type)

 

SECONDARY
explorer
(you also show elements of this type

 

Builder 17%

Director 20%

Explorer 26%

Negotiator 37%

about your personality

You see the big picture. You easily take the broad, long view of almost any topic. You are comfortable juggling myriad facts. You tend to synthesize material easily and think in webs of factors, not straight lines. You are imaginative and enjoy ideas.
You are also socially savvy. You are good at both talking and listening. And you generally read people's faces, body postures and tone of voice accurately, so you often intuitively understand what people want and need.
You are also highly compassionate. You care deeply about others. So you are inclined to make personal sacrifices to be a supportive friend and colleague. And you are idealistic and altruistic; you like to work to improve the world.
And you have an adventurous side; you enjoy new ideas and novel experiences and you want to share these with an enthusiastic partner. But you are particularly fond of people who are direct, decisive, focused and tough-minded, people who complement your more flexible, agreeable and affable style.

relating to others

As a Negotiator, you seek a spiritual, life long connection to a "true love". But you don’t want someone who is emotionally dependent. You admire people who need a good deal of autonomy. Marriage is important to you; but the social pledge of matrimony is far less sacred than the personal commitment you privately make to your beloved. You strive for harmony in your primary relationship. So you express your love regularly - with hugs, thoughtful presents, romantic weekends or by creating other special times together.
And you want a mate who is daring, playful and adventurous, yet one who will balance you - someone who is calm, decisive, strong-willed, focused and supportive of your enthusiastic, caring and imaginative spirit.

love and relationships

You dislike conflict. You seek "win-win" solutions. You are good at sharing power and ideas. And you are a master at the art of intimacy - building deep and exciting relationships with others. Nevertheless, you often enjoy solitude or intense interactions with just one individual or a few close friends. And you particularly enjoy people who like to play with abstract theories and ideas, provide insights, search for symbolic meanings in life and relationships and have a broad interest in the world.

with negotiator as your primary type, you can be:
• Good at seeing the big picture	• Empathetic
• Imaginative	• Trusting
• Intuitive	• Introspective
• Skilled verbally

with explorer as your secondary type, you can be:
• Novelty Seeking	• Flexible
• Impulsive and spontaneous	• Open-Minded
• Curious	• Energetic
• Creative

Things negotiators need to be aware of:

1. Because you can see so many angles to an issue or decision, you can be indecisive.
2. Your need to please can make you placating and your trusting nature can make you gullible.
3. When you feel betrayed you can be unforgiving and hold a grudge too long.

Courtesy of Chemistry.com