Brew HA HAs and Bronchial Bludgers

Shock, shock meeeee. You shock, shocked me. Thank you. Thrill of said shake-up is new. Definitely. Totally. The kind of newness and goodness that requires questioning of previously held notions of what you thought you knew nothing about. The time for linguistical challenges is now. Wheels keep on spinning within me, this life, such encounters. Each introduces me to the yes, no, and maybes of this ever-expanding list of guidelines. Pro-woman. Truly. You must be JUST that if relations desired. All women deserve to be taken out and wear pretty dresses, yeah? Rock on, JC...and also pants, if desired and/or preferred....in that same way I dream of the space for men in tights and the like. Is the associated violence due to predicted sexual orientation or gender non-performativity? You tell me, bashers. Anyone who properly identifies the term cisgender also qualifies. Argh....be still this damaged, but eager aorta. If anyone was ever a sucker for a kind feminist word, it was me. On repeat. Every time. Shock me. Wait...you already did that times a zillion or so.

Check on some rad jams.

"What's your name?"Over and over and over again. It's not Jennifer or June or Mellany OR...fish. My patience is severely lacking and she is frantic and confused as ever. Crying and pouting....like the aged of four. Off I go...to forget a bit, develop a bit, learn a bit, and cope a bit. As needed. Yes, I bloom later and later every year. I am precious, like a flower. And you? A bee.

Electrical Frijoles

Inspiration presents itself as many a thing. The highs. The lows. Why not the contented mediocrity of now? Write, write, delight. If I want I can paint a memory or thought into readable existence....how well is yet to be deciphered. For instance here: this regular has a routine. A well-established routine of mushrooms [non-specialized effects], raspberrry dressings, and phrases laced with "sweetheart." Comfort, yet fear encases this practice of routine, habit....tradition? An inability to conjure new concepts? Most others embrace traditions so effortlessly that it renders my questioning a near abnormality. "It is your responsibility to rebel, to change," sir tells me, with love. And in this way, I have and I shall. Simply I remember my favorite things and don't feel so bad...yeah, Madre? Up, up, and away I come to you. Please forgive the absence knowing I've missed you terribly and think of you fondly and frequently. I shoulda called, shoulda written, shoulda been many a thing. Alas, I am as I am. Inept and incapable of the unreachable perfection. All the same. Branching and reaching out is the ultimate means for coming to terms with lack of said perfect existence and how much it be desired within another. Wouldn't identify as shallow, but at times feel low as tainted gallows. Rising. Learing. Phenoix and flame.

SIDE silly. Me: "Base jumping...on the clock? Is that ok?" Boss: "Oh sure, cause it's highly likely you wouldn't survive which means no work comp payout." BRIlliant. New work places rock.

Nice to (not) meet you, Red Pants. Take care and prosper.

Off to another place entirely. A locale of indifference and comfort and newness. Yus. YES. Love yourselves. Always.

Captured

Breathe in. Breathe out. Riddled with less time, even less sleep, more ideas about birthdays and expectations and insecurities. Torn up. Breathing through these alleged damages. Accepting the limitations (???), contemplating challenges and desires. Second thoughts reveal a lacking to accept status quos and wading in these stagnant waters. Red fin enhances my brilliance never. SLEEP may be thee answer. The very answer I seek....again and again and fail to acknowledge but will one day grace my semi-pigmented canvas.

Here I am. Alright. With that Chinese and chopsticks to sift through the remains. I know allotted bits of your reality....imagination conjures other possibilities. What of you and your damage? Ohhhh...forget the unforgettable. Always and on.

To Tuesday and so NOT Slow

PEACEfulNESS. A calming sort of sensation. IT was told that I bring IT....the calm. "I feel peaceful around you." Simple. Concise. Impactful. Thank you. Am i, I, I...peace? Project it, correct, reject it? In this instant.....a bit. Shook up. Unsure. As needed.

People ARE strange. Then again...not any more than I. Me. I've been labeled as odd and quirky by a few, awkward and strange per a Mi. Chemicals influence perceptions and feelings unto plausible action. And I am a bit bullshit and also incredibly empathetic.

Here HERE. An interaction. Exchange. That's ALL it takes to break up any pending yucky status-quo. Incredible. The stuff of hopes and dreams and flames. Emotional intelligence is sickeningly under appreciated. My mind....a bit disrupted, truth be told. The possibility for connection that changes, maims, makes, and breaks is endless, thrilling...necessary. We are social and we are one and we are together exploring this infinite abyss. You managed to inspire these words, this undertaking, that awakening. WOW. Gracias, M. You are an overly undiscovered brilliance of a person and I am enriched having had this....whatever it is, was, could of been. Oh and if I could touch you I would. ??? Because, sir....touch is touch is touch is touch. Shield intact. Torture worth every minute.

Reflecting on previous few entries is to confront privilege, class, race, et al. Urgh. Most wouldn't care or would find me silly for such concerns, but I am me and you are you. Great goodness. White women abound. Like me. Like them. Shake me, wake me, when it's over. Dios mio. Oy. Si. And YOU and your pants? Uncertain, but the change is fantastial. The honestly...appreciated. ConfiDANCE through life. YESssssss (linguistical brain poison). xoxoox

AmurICA

Realization. Revelation? Truth? Delusion? CRUSH. Just another. Over and over AND over again. Definitely. This excitement and unknowing bliss is as real now as it was the past zillion instances. OH....and he has real nice glasses. Time for me. Time for you. The REAL delusion is time. Surely it is not WHAT you do but HOW you do it. Potentially...but alas my character is frayed and frazzled and in-transit. Critical of the transformation, unsure of the destination. I hope for flowers and stability and rivets AND maybe even a working bath plug (i.e. the most sound 2 dollar investment in months. MONTHS.)

Letters! I owe oh-so-many of you letters. Quality correspondence laced with lyrical laments of love and longing. Vicariously shall I experience far away places through you and you and YOU. Thank you much. And now I must go to the west coast. No choice. Here I come, pen pal (H)! Eh...give it a stint of necessary savings and smarts.

Urgh...my bedroom walls are SO white. White like my skin....not paint chips. And really the wall is blue. Call it white guilt, I figure it as a lack of variation. Boredom. Uncomfortable comfort. Multi cultures in an unappreciative locale. Challenge, change....blame? How did the alleged racial hierarchy come to fruition? Strange....from this vantage point...black IS beautiful. The pigment is most enviable and it breaks my heart to consider bleach a beauty routine. Why OH why? You ARE beautiful or didn't you know? Very strange, indeed. I speak my truth. Thee very truth.

The derby? Mostly inspirational. Desire skating without tail bruises or wall hugging. AMazing.

And YOU, sir...your phobias and anxieties are nothing close to my business. BUT....get out...challenge and break the cage. Why? Cause exploration and bonds are the stuff of a spicy-like life. REAL bonds. The kind that alter the composition of the soul and shatter expectations of what it means to be alive. HA...mirrors likely necessary when writing of such things. And K, enjoy the carefully crafted linguistic missteps and explosions. For you. For me. For oblivion. Now and ever.

Adult Things. Fierce Fires.

Oooo....I want chu. Ya know, I want(ed) you so BAD. The resistance and confusing scenarios and glances keep the wanting ever present. Here I am. There you’ll be. Ever AND ever. Oh….of these Indie moments and scars and memories. Maintain the coffee pot as I maintain these unrealistically challenging traits that aren’t at all. The times are a changin’….and you and me with it. Let go, Alex. Let go. Recall the necessary happy and lucky instances via daguerreotypes and non-corrupted cerebral cells [Buddha willing].

And YOU. Guess what? Tentatively, I will miss you terribly. Moving out and away….away AND out. You are ALL moving, shifting, altering the fabrics of this reality that for a stint seemed somehow unchangeable. Progress. All must and should progress, change, derange. THIS right NOW…cannot exist without you. Ok. It’s gonna be ok. Because I am a cultivator of dreams, a viewer of kitchen football…a lover of me in this time and place. FIRE. And they deployed this fire. Inside, outside…somewhere else? The desired sweat. Like a creep I imagine the possibilities. Naive. Yes, I remain so very naive, so incredibly hopeful, and entirely unsure of future aspirations and for that….I am alive. Well…in love with this life and the next.

My plant.....is dead. Sadness emerges. FAIL. Ok. Ok. OK. ;D

Miles

Nag champa. Nag champa. You burn so good. The scent…relaxing. The attitude….clear and concise. The focus….much improved, at least theoretically. In conjunction with this dress, those tunes, and that refreshing salad I find myself desiring all the possibilities I knew the future could hold. DOES hold. Always and always, on and on. Steady. On and on. Chooooo choooo. AW yeah…..laid back. Money and minds wandering, but present. HA, it’s not what you think. I KNOW you are thinking you know of my present condition, but alas….the experience of new experiences is far too reaching to limit myself in such potentially constricting ways. And of MY reality? Amazing. Growing, growing…gone. The non-tangible resume skills continue to bud and flourish as if a mind of their own. Be my friend. Others are. And me? I am LAID back. Truly. As observed, stated, catalogued. Exploring the roots of needed confidence boosters proves useful, trying, and just what the soul doctors prescribed.

Oh, the travelin’ [sans], the singin’ [semi-sans…..karaoke challenge. CHECK], don’t mean nothing…..without you? AH, but tis the risk [???] I must take, darlin’. Entirely. Definitely. Unavoidable. Necessary. For you, for me, for this leaf of turning. Not to forget….I am to discover my relation to alone and all that alone could and should be. Commencing those many months ago when I thought I knew what I couldn’t have know. And NOW? I want you. All of you. Each of you. To teach me, to praise me, to love me, to challenge all that I know or could hope to gather……and to be here with me now. Demand little. Take much. Grow and build the force. Ch-ch-ch-Changes. <3

Not much is new. And that…..that is ok with me. Coffee beans away.

PICTURE: amazing new discovery, Lee Price.