....Even if they weren't so great.

If this isn't warfare, I don't know what is. Attack, retreat, attack, remorse. Terrible, horrible, AWful. Sugar-coating is overrated. This is life. Real and utter grief. Not to fear, it makes complete sense. Through this bleeding, we are freed of the attachments that bind. That's the idea. I don't believe violence is the answer. This isn't the traditional conceptions conjured by V-day. Emotional. I get so emotional, baybey. I refuse, refuse....absolutely refuse to ascribe value. It is nothing more or less than it is. Right and wrong are absent. The undertaking is mostly classy with just a dash of unrestrained expression. There are no worthwhile answers, it's all chaos and bullshit. I'm not lying. Talking and consciousness are useless. Silence is golden...if only there was another way. Why must I be the path less traveled? The answer is evident, alarming...hysterical. If the contraption has a top, I am nearly there...and then nothing. The pot has boiled over, but is left with all the more water. The pot understands the bigger picture but for now lives in this moment. WHY would the canine be transferred? Are you insane? I'm nowhere close to being that much of a sadist.

Ah....the middle of nowhere.....my desired locale. WOW, he is one beautiful boy. I do love them. I blame the odles of curls. So many wonderful memories. I think I get it, though acknowledgment is tough. How can you release the possibility of connection? Real, raw connection. Que sera, sera. Just because the future isn't ours doesn't mean curiosity won't kill a few cats. I promise to try to be better. I wish I could fall into you like a pile of softness...only in another life. Someday. Sure. Someday might be never. Too bad, the potential gives me shivers. SO many shivers and yet there is always a lingering....something. He said you couldn't see the truth of perfection. Maybe. Too much I am....to most.

OH, simplicity. Where are you? I need you. I demand your presence. In all honesty, I can't live without a change. When I attest to craziness, I intend it as is. This isn't a conscious attempt. I couldn't tell you exactly how it unfolded. Hell....you're freaked? Try walking in my brain. And yet, I've been told I'm strong and level-headed. This makes me scared for the truth others harbor. My freak flag is full mast....what of you and yours?

This therapy is nothing like I've experienced quite before. I've never been musical but in this moment I wish I was. Not just vocals...which I know a bit of, but composition and compilations and layers and inspiration. I would write of subversion and challenges. Time to paint a lifescape.

The game is in the waiting. I have patience. You prefer rushing into the unknown. Fitting...and mostly fitting. Frankly, it is a bit unflattering. Thank you. The line is clear. To ME. Never, ever to you. TRUST. What of it? The definition is blurred and wrenching. You have naked pictures. She's definitely not me. Why keep them? Who are you? I know nothing of you and this deception. Typical. I should have known. The faith is melting, eroding, disappearing. This, I refuse. I must. This CAN't be it. The proximity is obscuring the possibilities. The oh-so-many joyous possibilities, I love them and the confusion they bring with a fiery passion. I likewise reject overarching associations with that which I once found to be untainted. Love I do the sisters of scissors and hues of reds, oranges, and magenta. I'm taking it back. All of it. YOU deserve NONE of it because YOU don't even see me or care to try. I drove you home. Fuck you very much. Again. Excuse yourself.

Don't get me wrong. I will wait. I will workout my mind, body, and soul. I will write and cook and learn of new and promising topics. I will get a little out of the lines. I will live. ANnnnDD.....I will love you. Missing you is the most of my worries. Being cut away from this place is the best, minus a few select eating locations and musical stages. Don't forget me DKB. I will never forget you. xoxo

Remember, remember the Fifth of November

OH, how I despise the incessant click clacking of the text beneath the sure-fired finger of doom. That's what this is, after all....death, dying, the end. My friend...the end. Not to worry. Your denial will soon fade into a realization of horror and drama and consumption of frozen goods. Also....a beginning. OF course. Never forget. I will conceal the memories in a book of smiles and usefulness, soon to be spread to you and yours.

Is this silence such sweet bitterness and sorrow? It's a game. It's a thrill. IT's my life. It's an attempt to preserve the loveliness that was once something to treasure.

People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people. Well put, V. Blacklisted. Again and again. I've told you, again and again. I AM that which you fear. This passion is enough to compel most to paranoia and uncertainty and anger. Remember this. Warned is what you are. And all the while, I desire so many more basic connections. Those which change the composition of the heart, the soul, the mind. Perhaps I am a double-edged sword. One of beauty and vulgarity. One of love and pain. One of strength and dramatics. AM I strong? Many have told me so, yes. I always thought strength meant not crying. I was wrong. The strength lies within the vulnerability. Alas, I AM on the path I seek. Dear, sweet, lovely realization. You save me.

Remains. I am all that...
AND....a bag of chips?

V. V. V......VVVVV.

Much love and good wishes.
xoxxo

Angel Hair with a Side of Neurosis

WHAT is it about _____ that makes us so stupid? Perhaps, not stupid. Perhaps....out-of-touch or some other less judgmental term. The time has passed. But clarity...oh yes, it is present and accounted for. Why must I go so low to get so high? I care not of the specifics. The truth is, I hugged myself while breaking down in the stream of letting you go....and all you could never be. And when I thought it couldn't be any better, I laughed....LAUGHED. Don't ask me why, I don't know why. Better is what I am. So very much better. The moment shall be forever dedicated to the growth I anticipate. Not victory, but certainly something great. I might just be awesome, like blackberry jam and a 35 mm.

WHY must my intensity be so very prevalent? WHY? The curse is my cure. Someday it will happen. It must. The truth will be revealed. To you? You? Potentially. Potentially I revel in the consciousness and insanity and passion and hope. The day will come when novelties are cast aside and life is seen for what it is....too short to dedicate energy to false promises and unthinkable futures. Fuck it. This is it. The worth is yet to be realized. ANTIcipation ensues.

xoxoxxxxx

Bend me, shape me....anyway you WANT[ed] me?

The way is shut. The strength to try is left in the dust of lack in drive, concern, care, blah, blah, blah. Rivers run dry. People change. I did. You did. We tried to make plans. We tried to change, ignore, forget what cannot be undone. Symptoms were there, they were ignored and forgotten as quickly as they were discovered. This must be the definition of sadness. It is sad to watch, sad the feel, worse to live. All the while, it was glorious and shattering. I don't remember it quite so awful. Then again, these memories are assaulting my understandings of kindness and love and R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I need an out but I am not drama....not someone else....not you. YOU, who puzzles in confusion and pretends to know how to think or act....or not.

BE DONE. Wishes, wishes......wishes? Reality? Nearly terrible.

A moment of peace. You destroyed it. YOU. I love you. Present. Now. Then. Ever and ever.

Watching Babies is troubling, yet broadening and conscious. YES, Johnny Jumper. If I could recall the joy, I would. Better times? Likely. Accurate. Sure.Where are the fathers? Questions. Strangely enough, I ask too many questions??? YEs? I dream of travels. I dream of Colbert. I dreamt of thEE perfect sleep. Now. Then. Always. Current aim.....
xoxo

The Glass Isn't Tainted.

I could really go for some lo mein...but from a different place and in a different park. Picnics. I will always love picnics. All I can do is recall the positives and try to keep the negatives in perspective. AND...your perspective? Unknown. Depressing. Confusing. Passive. Aggressive. OVERrated. This was never part of the package OR maybe I just misunderstood the contents. Yes, that's it. Still, I am a role model...I should teach classes. I'm classy and don't want NO scrubs. Truth.

The ball is in motion and there is so much more in store for me. I can feel it in my bones...Dead Man's Bones. Though I don't know the direction, I'm confident in the unforseen outcomes. Why? Because I am incredibly loved and LOVE you incredibly. I can feel and express and cry (YES, cry. Try it.) and accurately convey the insanity within. The requirements? Strength. Passion. Drive. Confidence. ETC ETC. Of these I have, of these I AM.

Is it wrong? Is it ok? Probably not. I am delusional and you....you are a weakness I shouldn't be considering. In fact, consideration of anything but basics is naive and incredibly stupid. Plain stupid. BUT understandable. OH, the humanity.

I deleted the stress and also the potential for trauma and time-wasting. It feels so good. SO good. Given more distance, you will be added to the list of once upon a times. Ah, the change of scenery and company is needed more than I know.....scratch that, I know. Seriously. Definitely. Please, please, please present the pillar I am to follow. The time....is now.