Some Days I Write Cool Shit.

From 11/20/17.

It's wonderful how and when teachers and lessons present themselves. I'm sure they're always there, just waiting to be seen and then taken up.

"One thing that awakens people to change is trauma." -Ram Dass

Sometimes you realize the world is smiling. Maybe it only seems to smile when you do. Today the colors are brighter, the sky more beautiful, my eyes are wider to take it all in. I acknowledge it won't last, but that doesn't make me sad. I'm grateful for it all the same.

The journey reveals itself in the most quiet, yet fascinating ways. In the midst of much grief and anguish, it's hard to recall that you'll breathe again and smiles will make their way back to your face and you become a stranger to the heartache and distress. Then you go back again and forget the happiness. Back and forth and back and forth. Exhaustion and energy, vitality, wisdom and stupidity. We're always a bit of each and you can't fully know one without reflection on the other. One magnifies the other.

Dumbledore and trees and Ram Dass. Those are my teachers today.

I am grateful for moments of relief and perspective, for freedom and the language to speak and eyes to take it in.

Healing Life Forces

The joy. People, places, things, and moments that make you feel like you're in the presence of god/universal life force/oneness-of-us-all and help you feel a bit more grounded and comfortable in yourself. Those are the people/places/things/moments I aim to seek and embrace and cultivate. Being with the right people, in the right place, doing what feels so right in your soul is the stuff of necessity. Of life. I'm not a religious person in the secular sense, but sometimes I feel the spirit, the oneness of humanity, and so clearly am in awe of the beauty that is existence. To be sure, there is ugliness and pain and heartache and degradation, but throughout that, goodness abounds. I'm finding the good and learning to sit with what is. Not changing, nor demanding another outcome or reality. Chugging along, breathing in and out. One step at a time, forward or back. The life force that is us, that is you, that is I. Brilliant.

"You look happier than you have in years," she told me.

Another thought-- no one really warns you that healing can be painful. That healing is the long-haul, but the only sustainable path. No one gives you a book of rules, you make the ones that work for you. Maybe I knew that and it is what has kept me running and scared for so long. But through healing it's not only pain and sorrow, there is so much joy and freedom and release. Now I know that. Freedom can be ours, in so many ways.

2016 in Moments and Music

Happenings: 
Took annual MI (i.e. Galena) trip with closest pals; first time ice skating; got a new car; dressed up at For the Love of Chocolate; took road trip to Florida (Car City USA, GA; Key West!; learned about 6-toed polydactyl cats at Hemingway House, Old Friends Thoroughbred Retirement Farm); attended weddings of wonderful people; got to meet wonderful babies, Evelyn and Harrison; lazy river floating and dune rides in MI; I turned 29; got vintage glamour shots; became Turanga Leela; took a trip to CA (attended my first Breeders Cup); became reacquainted with laughter; celebrated 100 year birthday with Planned Parenthood; got a new job; became active in the political process and fell in love with a man named Bernie; did Facebook-free February; stepped up charitable giving; went to gym for the first time in 5 years; acquired a cat carrier that looks like a moon unit/washing machine; worked 3rd year of farmers market season; started working at bakery store-front; drank Chinga Tu Pelo; moved into new apartment with Ry; rocked a donut swimsuit; finally found medication that works the best; became a DBSA facilitator and was elected board President; attended first professional baseball game.

Lessons: 
It's ok and necessary to love your body and sometimes that means you buy more spandex. It matters that I feel beautiful and worthy to myself, above all else.
Forgiveness and healing is a long walk.
Even setbacks can give you hope.
Dressing up for no reason and no one (except myself) is definitely ok.
Sometimes more really is less.
There are moments when you have to do what is best for you and put yourself first.
Walking around is a worthwhile and underutilized meditation.

Most influential...
Music: Beyonce-Lemonade, Lydia Loveless-Real, Against Me!-Shape Shift Against Me, Lucius-Good Grief
TV Shows/Movies: The Great British Bake Off, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Doctor Who, Man in the High Tower, Naked and Afraid, Equal Means Equal, Futurama, Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown, Bobs Burgers, Minimalism, Stranger Things, Sherlock, Cooked, The Office, Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Podcasts: NPR One is the BOMB, Mental Illness Happy Hour, On Being, The Sporkful, The Hilarious World of Depression, Death, Sex, and Money, the Dave Ramsey Show

Live Concerts/Events I attended: 
Jason Isbell, Neko Case, Noam Chomsky, Lucius, Crosby, Stills & Nash, Bad Religion, Laura Jane Grace, Craig Finn, Titus Andronicus, The Falcon, Dance Bullies, Faade, Angela Davis, Riot Fest! (Sleater-Kinney, Misfits, Juliette Lewis and the Licks, etc, etc), Breeders' Cup, Sex, Death, and Money Podcast Live Recording, Mortified


2017, here we go.

I'm quite certain tears give exit to toxins. Tears bring relief to the mangled bits of my being. It hurts like hell sometimes, but the tears just continue to come and for even a moment, I know what it means to comfort myself.

Blue and Brave

I'd forgotten I was a somebody. A person. Just like you. Just like anyone.
That I have stories, too. That my dreams and thoughts and actions matter, too. They do.
I lost the path, if I ever was on one. Maybe I'm making my way back or maybe even finding it for the first time. I'm starting to see promise, starting to believe what I always wanted to believe and feel in my own time and flesh. It doesn't matter if this is seen. Writing makes it more real. I learn and know and understand that I matter, too. Of course I do. I feel more confident in my anger and feelings and pain and joy and all of it. That I know I'd be fine and I am fine. What a joy, what a necessity. Become your own best friend, they told me. I used to think it impossible or maybe understood it a bit odd and out-of-reach. But I've found something, something more. Something that feels such a peace, such a comfort. Whether here or there. My toes are blue and my eyes, they are open, too. Walking forward, alive and alert. I feel unafraid, less than ever before. And that, it reminds me that I am brave.

A Fool and Some Gold

Heartache is a odd thing. A disorienting and misleading opportunistic path through unproven fantasies and greener grasses. Heartache is a heartbreak. It fills me with anger and dreams of happiness. But then happiness comes on its own, just as fast. I don't trust you, heartache. Maybe I should, but I don't. You seem a meddling foe, but I feel and see and know you and can't totally discount your presence. When do we listen to these tendencies? When do we run or stay or go away? As I listen to old country tunes that soothe my somber soul, I tell you I know you're here, maybe even to stay. Sitting through the suffering, now, as any other time, is the real peak I climb. Maybe I break a bit more in these times, but some other day I may just be filled in with gold and shall be remade all the stronger. Just for now, I'll sit within these cracks, searching for gold.

Business

Looking back at older posts, even if one would say I shouldn't, I did. And I find myself smiling and feeling more whole, like a whole being. Better understanding my composition and thoughts and existence. I write to remember, I too, am here. To validate myself, even. I don't mind it. I'm getting to know myself a bit more each day and feel more peaceful about the process, which feels quite a welcomed reprieve. In moments of finding myself thinking overwhelmingly of others, I remind myself what my business is or what I wish it to be. Thank you, Byron Katie, and for the helpful soul that pointed me towards you.