...before the dawn.

"So miss him," she wrote. 

I repeat the line over and over and over, demanding perspective and simplistic appreciation.
Settling with some notion of happiness in occurrence, rather than sadness in the means to this end. 

The start? The end? The start? The....end?

Yes. Yes. Yes. YES.

It starts as it ends. 

Ends as it starts. 

My heart starts to recognize it's own parts. 

You revived me as I strive(d) to be whatever I thought you needed me to be.

And alas, I need not you as you need not me.
 I need me.
As me.
Exactly...me. 

Toss the Maps

"This is what it means to be an adventurer in our day: to give up creative comforts of the mind, to realize the possibilities of the imagination. Because everything around us says no you cannot do this, you cannot live without that, nothing is useful unless it's in service to money, to gain, to stability.

The adventurer gives into tides of chaos, trusts the world to support her--and in doing so turns her back on the fear and obedience she has been taught. She rejects the indoctrination of impossibility.

My adventure is a struggle for freedom."

-Off the Map 

And I read this and was reached. By this book I didn't even see coming. 

And I realize it: I have the makings of an adventurer. Hell....I AM an adventurer. I might not be off to Prague, but here I am....exploring my own reality, my own truth, my very makings. Hardly nothing about this pursuit is of comfort, except in the chaos of knowing I am on and off to the better things that come with challenging your deepest held beliefs and understandings of this life.

And I realize this, too: I am ever seeking fellow adventurers. 

It is why I sometimes can't shake this overwhelming disinterest in those who fail to challenge themselves. To strive for something they can't even comprehend. Just that they are displeased and want to know....WHY? For it is the challenge of this discomfort and discontentment that spins this world of ours 'round and 'round and 'round and forever 'round. Or rather that it makes as much sense of the spinning as is possible or necessary.

I am realizing my own meaning of faith. I used to think I had none because my Sundays were spent elsewhere. I was wrong and I continue to be wrong. And for every wrong I make so very many rights. Sometimes the wrongs feel so right, but maybe a year or two on. And I have it to spare. Because time is of no importance, really. Because surely it's not what you're doing or how long it takes....it's HOW you do it. 

I choose positive outlooks. I choose unknown destinations and chaotic moments. And connections. The realist of REAL real real connections. The kind that take your breath away and implore you to think: "Holy shit, this IS what it's about. Right here. Right now. This person. This place. This moment. This is life and I want to live to know all of it." 

This Way

GP,

I took this photo in the very moment I realized that where I was is exactly where I wanted to be. Laying in the brittle and brazen grass beyond the house that built me. With all the perceived flaws and anxious moments and uncertain directions. Because the beauty in the breakdown is as beautiful as I. This truth is my truth and the only truth I ever need to know. My truth lies in the many quests on which I've embarked....of connection, of peace, and of tackling fears. Fears like I've never known, Grandpa. Fears that I never thought I'd ever ever find the strength to chase down. And still do I have so many to go. Your lessons shake the very ground that I like to pretend is solid. But really nothing is ever solid. Nothing ever fixed or promised. Except me. Because I find that I am fixed by the challenge of embracing life for all it offers. To me. All I offer to me. I am what I am as I am. "Not easy to forget," at 5. "A quick study," at 6. "A punk," at 8. And on and on do I exist. And with me....you. 

To many more lessons to come.

XOXO,

Alex

P.S. The weather here today was 51 degrees and dreary and rainy. Today was my last day of NOT eating meat. I ate a 7-layer burrito and 1.5 doughnuts. Tomorrow I will induce food sickness with copious amounts of carnivorous indulgence. It will likely include waffle fries. 

Empty Cups

[Does anybody know how to hold my heart? How to hold my heart? 

Cause I don't wanna let go, let go, let go too soon. 

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark, how to hold my heart. 

Cause I don't wanna let go, let go of you.] S.B.

But I can and I will and I should and...why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't you? We hold each other as we outta hold ourselves. The priorities have been prioritized. The lines drawn. 

The time it took to get here and there is a time I treasure and always will. 

Because whatever will be will be and they've told me this future is not ours to see. 

I saw you as you saw me. As members of this world. Of humanity. Of a class of super special individuals that won't ever forget that plants don't crave electrolytes. 

Not even a little. 

And I'll never need a time masheen [sic, un-sic] because here you are, a part of me. Challenging me to be the best I never knew I always wanted and needed so desperately to be. 

And now I find myself at this road less traveled. Without the fear that became so familiar, yet with a purpose that once seemed so foreign and strained. You brought me back to exactly where I needed to be.

Active and full of life and hope and knowing all the love I might ever need.

To you, sir. One of the most inspiring, incredible, and real people I've ever ever EVER met.

My teacher. My lover. One of my very best friends.

This infinite abyss is ours for the taking. 

May it take you where ever you need to be taken.

I love you.

Thank you.

Always and forever, forever and always.

And Here I'll Be.

L'ho provato sulla mia pelle. 

"In the end, I've come to believe in something I call 'The Physics of the Quest.' A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."

-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I Think I Thought that I Thought.

"What do you feel....right now?" he asked me intently.
I sat there dumbfounded, so sure I was feeling everything. So sure that I felt it all. Every little teeny thing. And why....because I know how to cry?
I smirked in disbelief...I felt nothing. I felt that I was thinking. THINKing. Thinking about what it meant to feel. Thinking I knew how to feel how I felt. No, but I know how to feel about others. Intuition instructs me the best means to comfort them....these ones around me that inadvertently generate how I think I feel. This emotion that molds me into what I think I feel.
I feel that I talk. Talk much. Talk often. Talk fast. Talk about deep things that generate numbers and fascinations and sensationalism. "Thinking isn't your issue," he assured me, "you are very smart." But do I.....feel? Do I impress them with my feelings? With peace, you say? Do I feel peace or know peace or just think and talk about peace? And what of passion? That fire I seek in others as I know to be within me. HA....as I think about feeling I am reminded of the path and how I feel, with the deepest bits of my soul that this path is so necessary and righteous and will lead to where ever I need to be, surrounded by the best versions of what I hope to be. We could talk, but all I want to do is feel it. I want to look with these eyes. Feel with these hands, this skin. This very moment and until forever, even if it never comes. I take it as I take you into my life.
My life. My strife. So right.

I am my own Doctor, Shaman, and Healer.

Session II

These thoughts of mine mask feelings. Distort perceptions. Craft my reality. Ostracize and chastise and brutalize. I use them. And I am ashamed of them. All of them. To feel them, acknowledge them, give them a thought or two. For me you crafted a safe haven of expression and acceptance. Who knew what to do with such freedom? Not me. Ill equipped was I. 

So many questions have I posed. "It's really all gonna be ok, isn't it?"

The thing is, I don't need to worry and worry and worry sick about it being ok.

Cause it already is and I already am. So very ok. Great, even. 

In the right here and right now. With or without outside intervention. 

Walk like a boss. 

Talk like a boss.

With or without Ne-yo. 

It is an odd fate. A new course. This strangely startling fate. Of, course. 

It is and this is.
I may break my own heart, but I also know exactly how to heal it. Better than anyone. Ever.

I can't wait to live the rest of my days. 

With me....

.....As me.